Podcast: From Acid House to Winehouse
Craig & Martin map out a house drum beat & try to comprehend the importance of one, talk about 606’s, 808’s & 303’s, 10 Ragas To a Disco Beat by Charnajit Singh being acid before acid, ridiculous genres that have no definition i.e.”grime” “garage” “uk funky”… The subject of Winehouse is brought up and we get confused with the number of albums she released vs the number of albums she should’ve & move on to talk about other posthumous releases by people like Hendrix, Tupac, Nirvana…
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RAW is Woeful 25/7/11
We open with a shot of a cheap looking version of the WWE title, it doesn’t spin. They need to re-design the belt anyway, now would’ve been a good time, but oh no, we can’t do that, it’ll confuse the kids…
The Rey vs Miz holdover from last week
Rey wins the WWE title
Del Rio runs down with a ref & thinks about cashing in, but he’s Del Rio and nobody cares.
Cut To:
30 hungry guys & some divas backstage cheering for another Rey title win. Why? They like that the champ still isn’t Cena, I guess. It’s coming, though, just give it a week or so.
insert-ad break here.
We get a recap of the Rey win & HHH talking to Vince last week & King says a Hunter will be doing a “State of the WWE” promo later on.
insert-ad break here.
I’m not even kidding, they came back on with 3 mins of nothing before cutting to another ad break.
Dolph w/Vickie vs Evan Bourne
Dolph wins
We get a promo for like mid-2000 wwf in order to promote another DVD, all the clips in the promo are far more entertaining than the show they are being advertised on. It’s not a good idea to say “hey, you remember how good we were 10 years ago?” when you’re not even an hour into your shitty, boring (again) show.
insert-ad break here
The Bella Twins are arguing with someone & this dick head from the beer adverts walks on. He passes someone the box of Keystone Light & we’re told the Bella Twins went home to get away from this creepy guy.
Kelly Kelly & Eve v Melina & ?
Who the fuck cares, seriously?
I think it was Kelly Kelly, but someone told me Obama was talking tonight & i started hunting for a news stream.
insert ad-break here, again.
Triple H comes out wearing the same tight suit as last week. He’s squeezed into a 38 chest by the looks of things, so it’s fair to say he’ll be sidelined with a shoulder injury in about a month.
He says “Man, this company is big” “Vince did me a solid by handing it over” and whatnot, even though it was “stolen” from Vince via some board meeting.
He announces another WWE title match for this episode of RAW, Rey v Cena (i fucking told you). Let’s talk about making your belt valuable in terms of positioning & storytelling, ok?
We- fucking crows chants “C.M. Punk” & Hunter welcomes back the “superstar” Jim Ross, a guy who was doing commentary 3 PPVs ago.
Cole stands up on his desk & i start hitting my head off the one in front of me. Forgive me if the rest of this post isn’t in English…
Cole refuses to work with J.R., he calls him an ass-kisser & a fat cunt. Tripple H tells him to STFU & GTFO, Cole settles down & Hunter tells him to stand back up, this is like a fucking Benny Hill episode.
Cole vs R-Truth (i guess)
Cole walks backstage as Truth comes out, so Truth wins via count out?
R-Truth talks about conspiracies & Tripper starts talking to invisible men, delivering the best “live” moment of the show.
John Morrison vs R-Truth (try making sense out of all this, see how far you get)
Morrison wins via no bell being rang at the start of the “match”
insert ad-break here
I needed this one, i told you RAW was turning into TNA & now they have the boss talking to himself in the middle of the ring. Russo is a fucking moron, but even he wouldn’t book this madness.
Cole comes out to HHH’s music, wearing Hunter’s speedos…
Cole (again) vs Zack Ryder
Ryder wins
J.R. asks who the fuck let Ryder on RAW, King says he’s big on the internet.
insert ad-break here.
Too Soon.
Slam of the week happened 8 days ago.
Del Rio vs Kofi
Del Rio wins
😦
A fucking massive centipede is in the room. as much as i’d like to continue telling you show shit RAW is tonight, i have to burn the house down.
EDIT: And i’m back on the neighbour’s wi-fi to bring you the rest of RAW.
Cena vs Rey
Cena wins the WWE title
Even though i called this shit, it doesn’t mean i enjoyed it.
Cult of Personality by Living Colour plays over the PA as C.M. Punk comes out wearing his belt. They stand in the ring & do a “my belt is better than yours” bit without a mic & Cena walks out of the ring.
fade to black.
Wish me luck finding another house.
Podcast: The Harry Potter Special
Craig and Martin discuss Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows parts 1 & 2, Alan Rickman’s acting, Evanna Lynch’s need to marry Martin (or vice versa), Gambon’s “come to bed” eyes, zombies and the future in this absolutely non 12A rated episode.
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RAW is TNA 18/7/11
Vince comes out & talks about Punk being a dick, says that the people in the back are waiting to find out what’s going to happen with the wwe title (including Kelly Kelly & The Bella Twins, for some strange reason).
A tournament is called for & some matches are talked about. Nobody in the lineup is ready for a belt, not one of them.
Dolph is US Champ, so he has a year & a half before he can even think about asking for the belt.
Rey’s job to make guys look good (kinda like Big Show, i guess anyone that isn’t average wrestler height is stuck in that role).
Miz & his ex Alex lost the I Quit match to Cena a few months ago after doing everything they could & that bumped Miz back down to Mid card.
Kofi almost killed himself & the other guy (kinda sucks that i can’t remember who it was, maybe Rey?) when they fell off the ladder during the RAW MITB match.
Del Rio may have have showed how hungry he was when he ran down to the ring on Sunday, but he had a title shot at this year’s Mania that got little reaction, so he’ll need another 4-6 months push before seeing any gold.
Swagger’s Wrestlemania this year consisted of trying to help a non-wrestler beat a retired one.
R-Truth had his push right after Miz, same result.
Vince talks about Cena & the crowd boos again, but not as much as the day before. He says Cena will be punished, but doesn’t say he’ll be fired even though that was the stipulation.
We get the greatest line Vince has ever delivered here, but i feel like he forgets the end of it…
I promise you tonight will be a night of historic proportions, tonight will be a night you always remember – Vince McMahon, July 2011
What did he forget? that little bit just before “thank you very much” that goes “as the night WWE stopped being bland & started being TNA”.
In full now…
I promise you tonight will be a night of historic proportions, tonight will be a night you always remember as “the night WWE stopped being boring & became TNA” -Vince McMahon, July 2011
Miz v Alex:
Miz wins
Swagger v R-Truth:
Truth wins
Del Rio v Kofi Kingston:
Kofi wins
Didn’t i tell you Del Rio was a joke now?
Rey v US Champion Dolph Ziggler W/Vicky:
Rey wins
I guess it was a non-title match? At least Vicky didn’t get on the mic.
This takes us to about the halfway point. I guess tonight we see the same wrestlers fight over & over even though
A) King of the Ring hasn’t been mentioned.
B) They showed about 30 hungry guys in the locker room at the start of the show.
Twix & Snickers present a lot of Divas for some reason, it almost looks like a 6 v 6 tag match:
The team with the Divas champion wins
Miz v Kofi:
Miz wins
He’s doing surprisingly well considering he had “an extra kneecap” after his bump in the RAW MITB match.
Rey v R-Truth:
Rey Wins
Fatigue sets in, but not with the wrestlers.
Rey & Miz are about to fight, Vince comes out & says whatever he has to say is more important than having a WWE champion. Rey v Miz is postponed to next week (just as well) & Vince has the ring to himself now…
“There’s no denying Cena’s popularity” is said during a massive C.M. Punk chant, Vince says Cena is a stand-up guy (i told you) but he still needs to be punished.
At this point I get flashbacks to Regal & co. literally kissing Vince’s arse, anyone else get that? Sometimes i’m happy WWE is PG now.
Cena comes out to piped in cheers. The problem with piping in cheers is that the recordings they use seem to have no low end, so it’s just screams & hissing rather than anything that could be confused as real.
He talks about not being a fan of the Monreal Screwjob & how he thinks Shawn is the greatest coke h- erm, wrestler Vince has ever had on the books. He continues the “i’m a stand-up kinda guy” for five mins & the crowd are just like “yeah, we get it” at this point. He says a screwjob at MITB would’ve made the title meaningless, crowd cheers like fuck because they know that happened a long time ago.
You have two months to find another opponent for The Rock at next year’s Mania! – Cena, July 2011
Even though i know nobody on the books is big enough to headline mania against The Rock, i’m jumping up & down on my seat like i’m fucking 7 again.
I will walk down the stage on someone else’s TV show & keep doing this, brother! – Cena, July 2011
So now it’s cool to mention TNA on wwe? I thought the general opinion was that they were bigger than this & they didn’t care about TNA because it only gets 25,000 buys? Colour me confused.
“i thought you said WWE becomes TNA tonight?” Well, wait for it…
Motörhead start blasting on the PA, “it’s all about the game & that ill fitting suit he’s wearing” Lemmy seems to sing.
Triple H mentions a board of directors meeting that happened without Vince & the other board of directors guy that has been following Vince around on the last few shows.
The board are concerned about the current situation & i’m not sure if they’re talking about the C.M Punk thing or Vince’s fabulous pink blazer, but HHH goes on to say that they are specificity concerned about Vince, so it has to be the blazer.
Injunction against the Chairman & CEO with a vote of no-confidence, wha?
So Vince has written himself out of the biggest angle they’ve had in 10 years, even though he was getting crazy heat for trying the screwjob & could’ve used this to torment Cena & make him jump through hoops (something the fans would’ve loved), or even to just replace the iGM with himself (something the fans would’ve liked) & play up the evilness.
Why has Vince agreed to be written out of the biggest story they’ve had in 10 years then? To shoehorn Hunter in, obviously.
HHH says Cena isn’t fired & some “little jimmys” start screaming. He starts wincing & shit, so it’s no surprise that the next thing he says is “look at me, hey, look at me!” &, given that he’s chewing gum as well, it’s like he’s combined everything we’ve grown to hate Pacino & De Niro for.
“I love you, pop” he says, while hunting for the Visine in the sewn up suit pockets.
So Hunter has ushered in an era of car-crash ridiculousness & in a way it’s kinda good, RAW wasn’t bland this week. It wasn’t great, or beyond 3 stars, but TNA rarely do good car crashes either.
The show ends with Vince in the ring looking quite emotional, almost like this really is him handing over the reigns. “Thank you, Vince” chants the crowd & he kinda awkwardly looks around & says “than you” back to them without using a mic.
C.M. Punk posted a picture of the WWE Title in his fridge over on twitter & his bio reads “unemployed WWE champion” right now.
I’m not about to say WWE will stop sucking & wresting will get huge again, but at least things are kinda exciting right now.
Money in the bank
3.17am GMT: Cole talks about the Montreal screwjob.
3.48am GMT: Screwjob remake ensues, Cena isn’t happy & breaks the hold
3.50am GMT: CM Punk is champ & Del Rio’s money in the bank win is deemed pointless. Even if it wasn’t “cashed in” he fell down from one punch, showing he’s no threat to whoever ends up champion in 24 hours. Vince convincingly chews some wasps.
So what’s the end result?
Cena comes out looking good (even after all the boos) because he refused to win without a clean finish.
Punk comes out looking good because he did exactly what he said he’d do.
Del Rio becomes a joke.
Raw becomes a vapid wasteland while Cena remains “fired” & we see Cody Rhodes in main events. Cena returns to fight the one guy on the roster he hasn’t killed yet, pick up the belt from whoever is holding onto it & fight The Rock at Wrestlemania next year.
CM Punk is now huge & does whatever he wants to (but even if he sticks with wwe, it still won’t affect Cena’s return & title win).
Everyone that isn’t Del Rio goes away happy.
Maybe i’m in the 10% & Punk V Cena thoughts
Yeah, it’s wrestling time, you might want to skip this if you don’t enjoy watching (sometimes homophobic) men in tight lycra & pvc Speedos grabbing each other a lot. I mean, they have, uh, wimmins matches too, but those aren’t really wrestling (or sports entertaiment) as much as they are astonishing displays of hair pulling abilities & the progress the silicone industry has made in the last 20 years or so.
Where to start then?
That logo says “we are bold” “We’re the company that’s not afraid to have people say “shit” or “ass hole” and talk about erectile dysfunction”. More than that, it says “We tried red, so now we have to use blue. WCW taught us that only blue and red could be used for wrestling logos”. You can’t blame them for the last one though, Vince did the same thing when he said yes to Smackdown.
Did you know TN- erm, Impact Wresting ran a PPV last week that was better than any other PPV they’ve put on during the Hogan era?
No? I can’t blame you, it’s not like they were promoting it every week on Impact, it’s not like they spent any time building storylines that would come to a head on the show either. Here’s the last 4 weeks of Impact:
AJ/Joe/some other guy who gets constantly looked over by whoever is doing the booking that week comes out & says something about the ppv, the crowd goes wild. AJ/whoever has a match & loses & we also get told they lost a house show match that was part of the Bound For Glory tournament.
TNA jobbed out the people who the PPV would be built around for four weeks in order to promote a PPV happening in October.
OCTOBER!
People on twitter were blaming Russo because it’s easy to blame Russo, but if you look at the cruiserweight cluster-fuck in WCW, it was Bishoff running the show back then. He seems to be the guy who booked Rey losing his mask & the whole Nash angle that went with it, he booked Nash as an ultra-heel (something that used to happen with every big guy) & it worked. People hated Nash, Rey got a big push (at the cost of his mask, but it didn’t stop him from putting it back on when Vince called) and everyone was as happy as they could be during the start of WCW’s downfall.
Bischoff re-used the NWO almost as soon as he got his foot in the door, so it makes sense that he’d try other things that worked back then.
Lets have a look at the ODB thing:
When Raven first showed up on WCW he was in the audience & everyone (well, if you knew who he was) was going crazy. Raven spent about 6 months on WCW programming “without a contract” & would send one of his “lackeys” to wrestle for him if he didn’t feel like fighting. It worked & it not only built Raven, but it gave Saturn & Kidman the push they needed (Van Hammer not so much, but come on, it was Van fucking Hammer). It was one of the great long-winded storylines that WCW let run at the time (the other being the 9 month build up to Sting v Hogan).
The reason the same thing isn’t working with ODB & Jackie? It’s kinda simple
1. Jackie was with TNA 2 years ago, people know who she is & that she’s only getting the push because she’s a former WWF employee. ODB had been off-screen for all of 8 months & she wasn’t much of a name back then either. The story is being wasted on two people who we don’t need to be introduced to, two people who we already know not to care about.
2. Raven would declare that every match he competed in would fall under “Raven’s Rules” (no DQ), people would get excited because they didn’t know what was going to happen. TNA has Mike Tenay say “you know, these two are not under contract, so they may not stick to the stipulation” during the match, flat out telling us the ending & making us waste the next five mins waiting for it to happen.
How do they stop this from happening? Push people who need it & don’t give away the ending of your matches. That’s kinda “Booking 101” i guess, but maybe they’ll learn from their mistakes.
TNA’s most successful(?) ppvs had 30,000 & 20,000 buys last year. Impact got 1,847,000 viewers at the start of March this year & while i don’t know the buy-rate for any of the recent ppv’s, 10% of 1,847,000 is 184,700.
I’m no business man, but if the number of people complaining about your product = at least 6 x the number of people paying to watch your show, well, it might be worth listening to them, or at least not insulting them online. For all the blandness of WWE, Vince isn’t blogging about how he thinks his viewers are cunts.
Which brings me to…
Much like that of TN- erm, Impact Wrestling, WWE’s logo says all you need to know about the product, it says “Attitude, but neutered”.
Randy Orton runs Smackdown as the face who boasts about kicking people in the head for fun & “going to that place only Orton goes” (the cinema that was showing That’s What I Am, i guess)
John Cena rules Raw with an iron fist, iron head, iron chest, iron legs… A recent PPV showcased his ability to survive the A-bomb. With that in mind, i’m going to post potential spoilers. If you don’t want tonight’s main event ruined, you better look away now…
CENA WINS!
I have no source other than the knowledge of how WWE have booked Cena during his career. I like that the R-Truth v Cena & C.M. Punk v Cena feuds have been the same. R-Truth’s version of the feud was more comedic, but his point was much the same as Punk’s during the “shoot” that everyone got hyped up over. R-Truth’s version will work as a parody of the C.M Punk one when it’s all said & done.
I get it though, WWE’s booking team know Cena is boring people & they need to do something to keep them caring until the match with The Rock at next year’s Wrestlemania. Teasing the fans with Cena’s downfall will only work a few times before people get bored with it as well (look at how long everyone has been sick of Immortal over on TNA & we know they’re dragging that angle out until October). After the hugeness (i can’t think of another word to describe it) of the Punk “shoot” I don’t think anyone else on the Raw roster will be able to make us believe they will take Cena down, that’s why they are using Punk to make Cena popular with an older crowd.
As boring as i find it, i cant blame them.
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