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Flatlining: If You’re Looking For Mania Talk, It Ain’t Here

February 5, 2013

Welcome to another edition of Marketing Bullshit That No One Cares About, Yet Still Gets Ran By Every Major Site On The Net. This week/month, we take a look at Vince McMahon working those “internet marks” via the WWE app.

Imagine what a WWE app would be like. Not what you’d want a WWE app to be like, just what you’d expect 2013 WWE to put out.

Got it? That’s exactly what the wwe app is.

wwe app

The app was designed and developed by Bottle Rocket, so all you Wes Anderson fans are gonna eat it up like it was Bill Murray’s shit after a three-day tequila bender.

It has five sections:

  1. Active – where votes can be cast on such meaningful topics as “Who should Brad Maddox blame for the shield attacking him? (vote A for Brad Maddox, B for Paul Heyman)”and “Is CM Punk a more dangerous competitor with or without the WWE Title?”. Strangely, option two on the punk poll is “Not holding the WWE Title makes Punk hungry…”. Nice of them to drop some terms in with the fan exploitation, but really? Yoshi Tatsu, that guy is hungry. Justin Gabriel, he’s hungry… I’m about to go off on one here, so lets move on to tab two.
  2. Breaking News – This is where kayfabe lives.
  3. RAW – Here you get snippets from RAW. It’s quite handy, as some of these clips tend to be blocked on youtube for non-Americans. One hidden gem is a backstage interview in which Josh Mathews tells Kaitlyn that he’s about to furiously masturbate to her latest Divas Focus photospread.
  4. Smackdown – See RAW.
  5. My Universe – The social interaction side of the app. This is where you can log in with your twitter or facebook (but not Tout, at least not on the android version I’m using) and discuss such hot topics as “Is Mark Henry gonna hurt himself?” and “Did he just hurt Rey Mysterio?”. Certain tweets will be selected from this section and dropped into Active, for all to see. Well, that’s the idea, but all of the tweets in Active come across so “marky” that they can’t have been written by anyone other than the marketing department (excluding one gem from Kaitlyn, which implied Mark Henry is a rapist).

The best thing about the app is that it switches over to a live feed during the commercial breaks. I discovered this during D-Bry vs Mysterio and the stuff during those 3mins was better than the televised parts of the match.

Press the menu button on your phone and you’ll be able to access a few more sections, such as Superstars:

It starts out with a list of the current champions and everything seems fine, but then you scroll down to the roster list…

Abdullah The Butcher

AJ Lee

Akeem

RAW would be a whole lot better if Abdullah was getting Hep C on everyone for the opening 15 mins. Sadly, it turns out to be a list of almost everyone who’s ever worked for WWE (or promotions that WWE now own the rights to). While the list includes the woman-killing Jimmy Snuka, it excludes Chris Benoit (who killed, uh, Woman). While it includes the wife-beating Steve Austin, it- no, wait, it does include most of the Hart family.

It has a link to the WWE’s shop website, and a PPV section that crashes the app whenever I try to access it, but that’s about everything.  Download at your own risk*.

*KON is not responsible for any damage to your mental well-being that this app may cause.

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