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Flatlining: Festivus (The Ryback, Lord Tensai, Ric Flair, Mean, Wooo, Bah Gawd, Gene)

January 18, 2013

Last month I said I’d do something in December, so this is it. I’ve had 2 different jobs since then, so I’ve had way better things to do than waste 10 hours writing something for 100 people…

Ten thoughts on the Monday 17th episode of RAW

1. Who the fuck are the faces on this show?

2. Ryblack is really short

3. Dreamer’s still hardcore

4. #ShutTheFuckUpLawler

5. Ryback de-push is lol-ing worldwide

6. How do you learn to fall off a 20 foot ladder?

7. Mmmmeeeeeeeean

8. Wooooooooooooooooooooo

9. Bahgawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd

10. Gene!

Final Resolution and TLC

Man, shit was tough over the past month. Even CB, the guy who loves everything, was posting shit like “I will stand this no more, motherfuckers, the line must be drawn!”.

With real life giving us tropical storms, floods, school shootings and various other horrible things, WWE and TNA really needed to provide us with an entertaining distraction. TNA provided us with Daniels vs AJ XXXVIII and Bully Ray fucking Brooke Hogan. WWE’s TLC featured some good booking. That Ziggler win? That Shield win? That Sheamus loss? Best PPV since the last time I said “best PPV”.

Year-end awards thingy

I have an apology to make: The following is lifted almost 100% from Gojira’s end of year thingy that absolutely nobody read or commented on.

Wait, what?

Alright, maybe he got a few comments.

41?

Damn.

I got shot in the face one time, got like 2 comments…

In any case, it’s the end of the year and 2012, for better or worse, was 12 months. Last year, Gojira presented The Biggest Hiccups of 2011, so logically it’s time once again for a meaningless award show. Besides, the pointless Slammys have already taken place.

This time, however, Gojira was focusing on multiple categories. It’s certainly more ambitious and he’s actually quite proud of what he cobbled together, so you’d better cast your votes this year in his comments section! His awards are WWE-only, since he rarely watches TNA (but he follows all the reports), I, on the other hand, hate both promotions equally.

 

Best New Superstar: Chavo Guerrero

This young Chavo guy, where the fuck did he come from? Would you believe he’s actually related to Eddie? Its not like Tenay told me that either, I had to google for hours just to find out.

For those of you that watch other shows than Impact, you might have seen this rising star on Ring Ka King back at the start of the year. It’s truly amazing that TNA managed to find such a talented individual as this and pluck him out of obscurity. Chavo had an astonishing debut and has went on to win the TNA Tag Team Title with some other guy they threw together because TNA are racist morons, but don’t let that put you off. I predict big things in this young man’s future

 

Match of the Year: Melina Vs Alicia Fox

ALL YEARS!

 

Workhorse of the Year: Sheamus

Sheamus won the Royal Rumble back in January  and was thrust into the main event scene about two months (and 8 matches against Jinder Mahal) later. Many believe in the Celtic Warrior so much that they’ve even went on record calling him “the next Cena”. One former Pulse columnist even went as far as saying “He’s been consistent since WrestleMania”. Indeed, Fella looked incredibly strong after his win within 18 seconds that night, and he’s been fantastic in the opening 18 seconds of every match since.

 

Most Entertaining Angle:
Kurt (with Karen coming in a close second)

This was a tough one, but Karen has been off our screens for quite some time. If Eric puts enough work in, he might find himself winning the award in 2013.

 

Biggest Disappointment: WWE Legends House

The plan was to have a Real World kind of show featuring crazy wrestlers from yesteryear. When the WWE Network was shelved, so was the show. SyFy were all set to air it at the start of April, but the program pulled a Scott Hall and now nobody will get to see Piper screaming about burnt waffles.

 

Biggest Surprise: The Ryback not smashing a car window with his elbow

With the NWO Shield all up in his business the past few weeks, we really should have seen this by now.

 

The “Not-So-Creative” Award: The Ryback

Brodus Clay made his début on the January 9th episode of RAW, squashing whoever the fuck WWE decided to put him in the ring with.

Lord Tensai made his début on the April 2nd episode of RAW, squashing whoever the fuck WWE decided to put him in the ring with.

The Ryback made his début on the April 6th episode of Smackdown, but nobody was watching, so we’ll call it April 9th instead.

Pattern, motherfucker, do you see it?

Book a new guy in a squash match again, motherfucker, I double-dare ya!

So after doing the same thing as the other two for a few months, he went on to repeat other events and eventually whole storylines. He was last seen losing 3 PPVs in a row.

 

So those are the winners for the 2012 Goji Whatever I’m Calling This Awards. Vote for your choices in the comments below and I’ll get some shit from Goj for ripping him off wholesale. Ah, the joys of Gojira stretching out a one-note column to two weeks worth of work. Gotta love the holidays!

So long, and thanks thanks for reading this pish.

 

 

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