From 2010: What’s on TV?

ITV shows here under the name STV, it used to be called Grampian (after the region) until they decided to downsize…

STV starts its day with a morning show, GMTV. Good Morning Television is its full name, because in the 70’s someone decided that we, the British public, need everything on to be explained to us in the most simplistic of terms (keep this in mind) by the simplest people they could find. If you’ve seen Reality Bites, it’s a bit like the show Martin Crane hosted, only with more cardboard presenters. A guy in his late 40s hosts it most of the time, usually with a woman about 10 years younger than him. They used to have a man in his late 50’s (or early 60’s) host it until about 7.55am, he’d drink during the ad-breaks.

9.30 Jeremy Kyle’s The Jeremy Kyle Show (Jeremy Kyle for short)
Jeremy Kyle hosts Jeremy Kyle’s award-winning (i assume it was the 4 weeks sober badge from AA) Jeremy Kyle Show, where Jeremy Kyle invites members of the British public to go on national television (it’s international though, fucking gentlemen) and talk their problems over with the help of Jeremy Kyle. Jeremy Kyle will come out & tell you the guests’ back story, then Jeremy Kyle brings out the first guest & asks them to tell Jeremy Kyle the back story. Jeremy Kyle then invites the person the guest has the problem with & SHOUTS LIKE FUCK for a bit, lets the audience jeer at the people on stage, then Jeremy Kyle SHOUTS IN A CONDESCENDING MANNER, shakes his head & tells a runner to hand the guests the DNA test results (it’s always DNA tests on this fucking show, 4 per episode, 5 episodes a week. If this was the UK version of Springer, we would be on the 6th “I Caught My Husband Fucking Our Cattle” episode by now, but no, it’s the Jeremy Kyle Show, with Jeremy Kyle). Jeremy Kyle will then banish the guests from the stage & do the whole thing again, but just before ad-breaks he’ll tell you to keep watching Jeremy Kyle’s Jeremy Kyle show, because he, Jeremy Kyle, has got footage you need to see (hopefully of Jeremy Kyle pulling Jeremy Kyle’s head out of Jeremy Kyle’s arse*).

10.30 This Morning (ends at 12.30pm  ).

Hosted by an ex-children’s TV presenter & an ex wonder-bra model. It’s pretty much like GMTV, but with cookery segments. Last week was “sex week”. They had guests on who had tried a range of vibrators & were reviewing them, but no one was allowed to say the word “vibrator”. They used to have a guy come on and do the weather on 5 bits of foam floating in the water, he was good.

12.30pm Loose Women
Four sex-starved, jaded, bitter cows will explain that they’re gagging for a shag, yet too far up their own arses to actually find anyone they meet attractive (which is a good job, because they all look like someone left them out in the rain for too long one day & they’ve corroded so much that parts of them have crumbled away), then they’ll perv over a male guest for about 15 mins, talk about how drunk they were at the weekend & how hard it is to be a woman, then, maybe they’ll have 10 mins at the end to talk about a news story that either condemns women in general, or praises them.

1.30 News
British news, from a Londoner’s perspective. Not a cheeky bastard, loveable rogue, Danny Dyer sort of Londoner, but some upper middle class dickhead.
Areas in Britain are referred to by geographical location only below the Anglo-Scottish border. “…and people in the North have been protesting” will begin a story about people in Newcastle instead of Inverness.

1.55 Scottish News
A guy from Edinburgh tries to squeeze “Glasgow’s fucked because of the decline of the shipping industry, Aberdeen’s fucked because we’re about to run out of oil, Millport’s no even on the map ony mare & Dundee? I don’t even know where to start…” into 3mins before the weather presenter comes on & tells you the weather in the north-east while standing right in front of the part of the map he’s referring to. “You want the temperature before you leave the house? Turn on the fucking wii then, or google it, you lazy prick” he seems to say.

2.00 60 Minute Makeover
A show where people come in, paint 4 walls & build some flat-pack shelves from Ikea. They only have 60mins to do it, will they manage?**

3.00 Auction Party
Moldy old shit from your gran’s loft gets auctioned off, but this time, the auction takes place in the living room of your house.

4.00 The first real television show of the day, Rosemary & Thyme.

5.00 The Hour
Hosted by an ex-singer (she won Pop Idol) who lost a lot of weight before putting the majority of it back on again & an ex-alcoholic (he won £5 on the fruit machines in his local pub).
It’s This Morning, but with Scottish people.

6.00 Scottish News
6.30 News
7.00 Emmerdale (soap)
7.30 Coronation Street (soap)
8.00 Something they can fill 30 mins with, before…
8.30 Coronation Street (soap)
9.00 Underbelly
10.00 News
10.30 Scottish News
10.40 Usually they’d put a film on here, but they showed a drama tonight because we’ve yet to reach our quota of Scottish content…
11.35 Ulaidhean
12.05am Slighe Anndra

12.30 Roulette Nation
One of the 4 terrestrial tv channels turns into a call-in casino in a bid to escape the controversy of the last time they did this exact same bullshit, but called it a quiz.

1.00 Jeremy Kyle’s The Jeremy Kyle Show

2.00-5.30 Nightscreen
A screenshot of a show is displayed, with text explaining the plot beside it. A bit pointless when the screenshot is of anything they show during the daytime, or weeknights, or weekends…

*It never fucking is
**They always fucking do