RAW is… 1st of August 2011

So you’ll all be glad to know that I bought another mansion with all the cash I’m making from this site & the internet is up and running. Also up & running is an arson investigation, but if the News of the World can get away with paying off police…

We open with a recap of the Punk & Cena angle (including Rey’s hour-long reign) with some piano playing minor chords to make you feel upset because Cena isn’t the proper champ or something, but it doesnt work, so they switch to Cult of Personality about half way through.

Punk comes out, seeing as the “Maybe he’ll take the belt to ROH or New Japan” thing has been shat down the pan already.
King, Cole & J.R. argue over who gets to pimp twitter this week. King wins, but he still sounds like he doesn’t know what it is.
Punk sits down in the ring like he’s Raven & asks “Why did i come back?” (like he doesn’t know?). He tells a story about not liking Vince/Steph/Hunter & wanting to cause some change (didn’t R-Truth say the same a few months ago?). He says WWE will be “fun again” & asks the fans to switch off when they get bored, i think.

Cena is mentioned, crowd responds with appropriate level of “boo”.

“Same old, same old” -C.M. Punk, August 2011

HHH walks out in another suit, but it fits a lot better than the other ones he’s been trying as of late. He talks about why he “re-signed” Punk, money being the reason, obviously. He says Punk is “Smug, over-rated, attention-seeking…” & Punk responds with “Yeah, that’s me”.
Punk thinks the roster got fucked by Vince (not Brisco?).
Hunter announces that he’ll make an announcement later on about the announcement of a title vs title match at Summer Slam.

“Skinny, fat ass” comes out of Hunter’s mouth, providing our “live moment” of the week less than half an hour in.

Insert ad-break here.

Divas battle royal

Insert ad-break mid-match.

Beth Phoenix wins via throwing both Bella Twins out of the ring (and into my bed) at the same time.

Miz & R-Truth pull some faces at each other & Truth tries to spell conspiracy, this whole bit goes nowhere.

insert ad-break here.

Cena gets interviewed for some reason, it goes nowhere too.

Miz & R-Truth vs…

Insert ad-break here.

Miz & R-Truth vs Rey & John Morrison

Insert ad-break here, i’m not even kidding with these.

Miz & R-Truth win via some sort of ear-rake & pin combination.

Hunter talks for a bit & nothing of any importance happens.

Insert ad-break here.

Dolph Ziggler comes out with w/Vickie & they let her talk 😦

 Alex Riley shows up & says something that might be important, but i’ve got this shit on mute now. Are they having a match at Summer Slam or something? It’s a bit early for Riley to be US champion.

Insert ad-break here.

David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty vs Zack Ryder & Santino Marella
David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty win via pinfall.

Insert ad-break here.

Punk gets interviewed, they seem to be pushing this announcement Triple H is gonna make quite hard, so i bet it’s something shit.

Del Rio vs…

Insert ad-break here.

Del Rio vs Evan Bourne

Del Rio wins via submission.

Del Rio gets an arm bar on Evan after the bell, Kofi comes down to break it up & that’s the end of that, I sense another ad-break is on the way…

Insert ad-break here.

HHH comes out, so does John Laurinaitis & John Cena. To cut a long story short, Punk comes out after 7mins of talking & it gets announced that the two of them will fight at Summer Slam to crown an “undisputed champion” (they did the same in 2002 with Jericho coming out on top, i think).

Punk & Cena do the “my belt is better than yours” thing again & the music gets all fucked up from switching between the two themes too much. Who wins?

3.5 matches this week then? At least the Keystone Light guy didn’t show up.