Cast your mind back two weeks. Do you remember Mark Allen’s opinion/news piece that received 30 or so comments? One commenter, “Jeff”, said the following…
“I began reading Pulse wrestling a few years back and became a fan of the “old guard” such as Mark and Wheeler. When mark left, I felt that there was a void that had not really been filled. The only consistent, reliable weekly article was Wheelers, and now he’s not doing that either. The “new guard” is erratic and unreliable, and the articles are usually snarky and overly cynical. They just don’t seem to like much, or if they do, they use a hammer when a feather will do. Simply put, Mark is an excellent writer whose articles appeared at the same time each week and you knew what you were going to get. This is not the case anymore.
And no, this was not directed to any one person, but the direction of the site as a whole.“
To combat the cynicism, I came up with the idea for a round-table where we, the pulse columnists, talk about five things we do enjoy in modern pro-wrestling. Ten people said they’d be up for it and the deadline for submissions was set accordingly, only two submitted their “five things” at the time of writing (four by the time I submitted this to be published).
Dropping the round-table idea and writing something else was an option, but we’ve had yet another death in the family (third since December) and I have better things to be doing than brainstorming ideas for a column nobody reads. Cynicism? Sure. Some of the other Pulse writers already covered the unreliable aspect, so I guess this column is actually working towards proving that Jeff was right. This thing had to happen, so I also roped in some of the “Fistpump Screening Room” crew…
Blair A. Douglas (of MyDaughtersFuckingHulkHogan.com) presents: Five Things
1. Laughing at women’s wrestling. Matches where you really don’t know who is going to win.
2. Huge crowd reactions: Not Shaemus or Mark Henry crowd reactions, ACTUALLY strong.
3. Coming onto sites like this to see people’s reaction to stuff: It’s always good entertainment. It’s insanely unpredictable to see how people react to things, Sometimes I think I know what it’ll be and it’s the exact opposite.
4. Actual wrestling matches: With little to no overbooking, just wrestling that actually gets a live crowd hypedup. Rare these days, but it happens.
5. Shaemus. The occasional REAL moment: Flair’s WWE retirement, a cool Hall of Fame induction, things like that.
It’s hard to disagree with any of that.
Mike Gojira’s Stomping Ground: Five Good Things
1. Audience Involvement: It’s one thing to watch a TV show or sporting event and get emotionally involved, but it’s a whole ‘nother story when the performers actively acknowledge the fans in attendance. Whether it’s last Monday’s raucous Miami crowd or any time John Cena gets on the mic, it never ceases to amaze me how the spectators can actually affect the flow of a match or angle based solely on their reactions. Look at what happened to guys like Zack Ryder and CM Punk in the past year. Lame designations like calling us a “Universe” aside, when you’re at a live event there’s just nothing like it.
2. Emotional Roller Coasters: We know that most aspects of professional wrestling are scripted, but there’s no denying that the vast majority of performers are in this business to achieve a level of notoriety and respect from the fans and their peers. That’s why it’s so pleasing to us when guys like Stone Cold Steve Austin and Eddie Guerrero finally get the push we clamor for because we know they put all their effort into what they do and we appreciate them for it. The more of a fan you are of a particular wrestler, the more likely you’ll be hooked when that certain someone finally gets that big break.
3. Stealing the Show: Wrestling isn’t just about the characters or the storylines. Wrestling is about the matches themselves. We often overlook the fact that some guys are crazy enough to kill themselves over a bump just to pop the crowd, while others are limited by time constrictions, but one thing’s for sure: when two athletes who mesh well go out there and are given the opportunity to showcase their talents and tell a story in the ring, we’re all winners.
4. Nostalgia: Honestly, who DOESN’T get nostalgic for the days of yore when a wrestler from our youthful days makes an appearance? It happened when The Rock first came back as a guest host. It happened when Bret Hart made his big return to the WWE. It happened when the Four Horsemen were inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame last week. Nostalgia acts bring in the casual fan and the fans who left for greener pastures, as well as give the hardcore fans a reason to keep tuning in.
5. A Break From Reality: Two full-grown men wrestle one another in spandex under hot lights for twenty minutes over a gold-plated leather strap. That may be an accurate description of gay porn (I don’t watch, so I’m not truly sure), but it also represents the gist of professional wrestling. Sprinkle in a dose of hostile takeover by guys who are trying to overthrow a company that pays them to commit these heinous acts, add a dash of supernatural persona, and mix in a heaping spoonful of suspension of belief: that’s wrestling in a nutshell. Why do we continue to watch the insanity? It’s an escape from the mundane.
Gojira has broken it down to the essentials. I’d say those are the reasons we watch wrestling in the first place.
5 thoughts on Pro Wrasslin’ from Hack Newbury (of Spinebuster.com)
1.WWE DVD releases.
2. I like that Daniel Bryan is adored by the fans.
3. We have lots of options on the indy scene. I don’t love any of them and actively dislike some, like current ROH, but, it’s good that there’s a tonne of choice out there.
4. Fit Finlay hitting the indys. While I haven’t seen much of his run outside of one match with Steen, he sounds like he’s pulling a run like James Gibson back in 2005.
5. iPPVs are a cool addition, but, I don’t quite think that companies have them put together right.
I miss Finlay. The “divas” division does too.
Rey Mundo’s Suspension of Disbelief: Five Things! Five Things! Five Things! Five Things! Five Things!
Heeeeere we go:
5. Randy Orton’s facial expressions: This man sells with his entire body, including his eyes, eyebrows, earlobes, femur, lymph nodes… They happen so quick that it’s incredible. Dig it.
4. Booker T’s old schoolisms: He said someone or other should be barred from ringside because they didn’t have a manager’s license. Loved it.
3. Mark Henry’s Improv: How is it that this man is a plodding “Read the cue cards, Mark.” promo guy, but when he’s yelling at opponents or fans he’s a master orator? Either way, I love it.
2. TNA: Because, God bless ’em, they’re still trying.
1. Kelly Floyd.
Wait, what?
I can’t?
But have you seen her ra…
Oh, okay
1. The fact that, after being a fan for 25 years, I still have moments like at WrestleMania where I’m completely enveloped in what Hunter, Shawn, and ‘Taker were doing, and that, after The Rock got the three count I was literally shaking as I was trying to update Facebook and Twitter. I’m still a fan!
Not reasons I necessarily agree with (with the exception of Booker’s commentary and maybe the existence of TNA), but that’s Rey for you.
Five Things Swayze Likes About WWE Right Now
1. WWE is all into CM Punk.
2. WWE is giving up on Cena, finally.
3. Lesnar is all into being in WWE for at least a year.
4. Jericho seems to be getting back into his groove.
5. Everyone likes Bryan and nobody likes Shaemus.
Cheers, Swayze.
Steven Gepp’s View From Down Here: Five Positive Things About Pro-Wrestling
1. Austin Aries and CM Punk: Two wrestlers in the so-called “Big Two” who are straddling that line between old school wrestlers who can actually, you know, wrestle, and modern day sports entertainers, who can talk and get a crowd into whatever it is they are doing.
2. Daniel Bryan, the heel: He can wrestle, we all know that, but the fact he doesn’t have to, but can play the conniving heel who treats his girlfriend like crap, and yet still get his “Yes! Yes! Yes!” catchphrase over and have people cheering for him while being the dickish heel is just awesome.
3. Bobby Roode vs James Storm: From their days as one of my all-time favourite tag teams to their break- up, to the built for their match at Lockdown, this has been 6 months of quite compelling story-telling. Even with Roode being a little bland on the mic, his actions and his attitude against Storm’s anger have been great, and yet it has not been overdone. They are not fighting one another every episode of Impact, they are just building to this potentially great confrontation.
4. WWE’s video library: The amount of DVDs I am getting hold of that tell another part of the history of wrestling, covering matches from all over the USA and from so many periods of recent televisual history is quite scaring, when I consider how much it all costs here in Australia. But, dammit!, I am hooked. I just want to see history DVDs about wrestlers, promotions, times, whatever. I hang out for each new one.
5. Riot City Wrestling: Well, what can I say? Best independent wrestling I have seen, not just in Australia, but anywhere, with the best women’s matches I have seen in years. A mixture of everything, and while not perfect (what is?), still the best wrestling I normally see each month. Sure, the PPVs from TNA and WWE might have some good matches, but the RCW shows, in general are better shows.
Good stuff, Steven, I’ll have to take your word on Riot City though. Chikara has the best independent wrestling I’ve ever seen, but I’ve only seen two or three of their shows (mainly their King of Trios series, which you should all check out).
Five Opinion-Facts from DaveDubya (of Wrestling Facts)
1. Lots of Canadians seem to be involved.
2. Cage matches.
3. Scott Stanford as the new Mean Gene.
4. Lance Storm’s World of Hurt.
5. William Regal.
Again, kind of hard to disagree with any of that. Have you seen the trailer for Piper’s version of World of Hurt? Absolutely amazing.
CB’s Slant – Five Things I Like About WWE
When KON told me about this idea to share five things I like about WWE, well, it wasn’t really that hard for me to put a list together. After all, I feel like I keep a pretty even keel about the folks over at Titan Towers, and some folks recently reminded me that I am one of the most upbeat writers that Pulse currently hosts.
I will say that while the glass is nowhere near rose-colored all the time when it comes to my thoughts on WWE, I definitely feel like I generally try to focus on the positive when it is warranted. After all, why watch if I can’t find SOMETHING — or things — to like?
With that said, here goes nothin’!
1. Production Values: I’ve said this for years, and I’ll say it again: When it comes to production values, WWE will simply never be topped. Every pre-produced video package to promote a big match or accentuate a feud is done to perfection by “the guys in the truck” and the producers at headquarters.
Case and point: The Miz’ WrestleMania 27 pre-entrance video package last year, to the tune of Diddy’s Hate Me Now, was absolutely amazing. The video highlighted Miz’ journey from the Real World to WWE Champion, and just made his WrestleMania moment feel even more special that it was.
Another example, of course, is my favorite WWE video package of all time, featuring the build to Undertaker vs. HBK II. It doesn’t get much better than that, as WWE has shown time and time again.
2. Zack Ryder: From the Chopping Block to the Mid Card: One thing about WWE is that every once in awhile, a guy can carve his own path that was never in the company’s original plans. Zack Ryder is the ultimate rags to riches story in WWE, and no matter how you feel about his currently storylines and/or his character progression, the fact that Ryder is still with WWE and firmly entrenched in the Mid Card is absolutely awesome and worth savoring. Santino Marella is another example of this, and I simply root for both Ryder and Santino as a result of their passion and willingness to entertain at all costs across all platforms.
3. Ricardo Rodriguez: Ricardo doesn’t get a ton of mentions lately since he’s been off the scene for a little while, but there is nothing that draws me into the WWE Universe more than a role player who steals every scene with just sheer brilliance. Ricardo is funny when he needs to be, pompous when he’s living vicariously through his employer Alberto Del Rio and on top of all that he takes some good bumps and sells other people’s finishers well. He is also Del Rio’s ultimate sacrificial lamb, yet he still remains loyal to ADR no matter how many times Ricardo is fed to the wolves on Del Rio’s behalf.
4. The Royal Rumble Match: We addressed this a few months ago during Royal Rumble season, but it’s worth mentioning that no singular gimmick match in WWE is better than the Royal Rumble match. I love that there is only one Rumble match per year and that it not only kicks off the Road to WrestleMania but also has an extremely important prize for the winner: a title shot on the biggest stage of them all. There are also always cool surprises in each Rumble match — The Cobra / Socko Connection this year, for example — and it’s just always a treat to watch the different portions of the match as they unfold, such as CM Punk’s mid-Rumble promos or Stone Cold going on a Stunner binge.
5. Make-A-Wish and Tribute to the Troops: The charitable side of WWE should not be ignored when discussing positive aspects of the company. Two big ways WWE gives back is by granting as many wishes as they can for the Make-A-Wish Foundation (thanks to John Cena granting more wishes than any other celebrity in the history of the Foundation) and by performing for military personnel every holiday season with their Tribute to the Troops event that has been broadcast on both U.S.-based military bases and other U.S. military stations around the world. You can’t deny how awesome that is for Vince McMahon and Co. to do things like this, and it’s something that really does stick with me as a huge feather of good will in WWE’s cap.
So, there you have it. I’m sure I could even name a few more, but that’s all I got this time around.
Thanks KON for being such a gracious host.
Thank you, CB. Now it’s time for…
The Martyrshow: For Jeff, by KON (that’s me!)
1. Developed Characters: Santino Marella reminds me of a time when characters could be funny, yet still taken seriously as competitors. Think about that Santino vs Swagger match and ask yourself who you’d really rather see hold a mid-card belt: The guy who’s entertaining, gets a reaction every time he walks down and has a move-set and gimmick that sets him apart from the rest of the roster, or Swagger? David Otunga is another guy with an entertaining character right now.
Mah Boy D-Bry right here has the whole wife-beating thing, a catchphrase and his own sort of in-ring style. Everyone on the roster should have those kind of things that you can point out.
2. Shoot interviews: Not exactly wrestling, but things like the Bret vs Shawn DVD set and the Legends Round-tables are bridging the gap. Nostalgia might factor into my enjoyment of these, particularly the Youshoot series, but the Legends Round-table show WWE does can often be quite informative and cover stuff from the AWA, WCCW and other organisations that I didn’t have the option of watching at the time (mostly due to not being born).
3. Longevity: As much as I hate Michael Cole’s kayfabed account of the record books, it does have a tiny bit of truth to it. Shows don’t often run for 19 years, most of the time they get cancelled just as you get into them. For the writers and the creative team, having decades worth of story-lines that you can build upon, call back to, reference or just rehash, that must be amazing. Think about how many story-lines you’ve enjoyed over the years, then think about what you’d be reading and watching if Monday Night RAW had been cancelled after 6 months due to poor ratings.
4. Discussions: I watch RAW with a chat-room full of good people. The worse an angle/match is, the better the discussion usually is. I got back into WWE (after a roughly 8 year long hiatus) during the Wrestlemania 27 weekend and if it wasn’t for the people in the chat, I would’ve probably given up shortly afterwards. A lot of the time, the discussion will be a lot more entertaining than the show it’s self.
5. All of the other reasons mentioned: It’s kind of hard to come up with something that hasn’t been said already. Blair, CB, Dave, Mike, Jack, Steven and Swayze all listed good things. Rey? Well, he listed things too. I’d like to thank the eight of them for taking part in this.
I’ll be taking a break for the next few weeks, but I’m sure you’ll find something else on Pulse that’s worth reading.
I thought I’d help write everyone in the IWC’s columns for them this week…
The Rock vs. John Cena
I am so happy / sad that Cena / Dwayne won last night. The crowd were on their feet from the entrances onwards and cheered like the Road Warriors were in town. My man John Cena / The Rock landed four finishers during this match and it still wasn’t enough for to get the victory, as the dastardly / awesome wrestler Brock Lesnar / The Miz ran down and destroyed The Rock with an F5 / whatever the fuck Miz does. I think we’ll see a rematch somewhere down the road, maybe at SummerSlam.
Triple H vs. The Undertaker
At last, a Hell in a Cell match that makes sense. The entrances took forever, but man, was it worth it. WWE don’t have brawls like this any more / had this exact same brawl last year, and for good reason: these two men put their life on the line for their company every time they lace up a pair of boots / Vince couldn’t come up with anything. You could see the veins popping on The Undertaker’s bald head as he tried to walk / received the 13th pedigree of the match. I cant believe Shawn Michaels turned on HHH / super-kicked The Undertaker. All I want to know is if Marc Calaway can walk / WWE are planning to do the same shit again next year.
Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos vs. Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
Piss-break.
CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho
Now this was a match. The best in the world proved himself tonight. You could hear a pin drop as CM Punk / Chris Jericho soared through the air like a majestic eagle / thanksgiving turkey. CM Punk showed that his fathers’ abuse of alcohol hasn’t affected him at all / has left him in need of a kidney transplant. Forget Cena v Rock, this was truly a match for the ages / proof that WWE can fuck anything up.
Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Sheamus
The Great White was on fire / an embarrassment tonight. Mah Boy D-Bry right here needs to grow about a foot and learn how to powerslam / had an incredibly tough time carrying Fella through this. AJ was hot / fucking useless here, but maybe we’ll get more of this “submissions expert and abusive husband runs rampage” storyline over the next few weeks (unless Nancy’s estate sues).
Cody Rhodes (c) vs. The Big Show
Big Show has finally won every title in the WWE / proved that weighing 500 pounds for any length of time will lead to heart failure. Cody Rhodes might have been IC Champion for the past 8 months, but it wasn’t until tonight that he proved he can play with the big boys / who really gives a shit about the mid-card belts?
Randy Orton vs. Kane
This was pure filler. Orton should have been facing Wade Barrett / part of the Team Teddy vs Team Ace match.
Team Teddy (Santino Marella (captain), R-Truth, Kofi Kingston, Zack Ryder, The Great Khali, and Booker T) (with Hornswoggle) vs. Team Johnny (David Otunga (captain), Mark Henry, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, The Miz, and Drew McIntyre) (with Vickie Guerrero)
What a cluster-fuck. Khali appeared to help WWE sell merch in India, but he really has no place in the ring. Otunga was fucking glorious / woeful as usual here, showing that you don’t need to be able to wrestle in order to become a superstar / the only thing WWE do well these days are the comedic characters. Santino was also ridiculously good / brain-numbingly pitiful. Henry was working hurt and it showed, he needs a backstage role now in order to teach the younger guys everything he’s learned since ’96 / a fucking oxygen tank just to run the ropes. Even though I can’t stand Ace / Teddy and the fact that his team won, it’s still better than the fucking iGM they had this time last year.
All in all, I thought this was way better than Wrestlemania XXVII, possibly the best in the last 10 years / proof that I’m not WWE’s target audience any more and that they won’t go back to the Attitude Era, no matter how many fanboys bitch and moan.
I’ll be hosting a round-table type thing with a large number of Pulse Wrestling writers next week. The topic is positivity and the working title is For Jeff (Hardy, Jarrett, Farmer). The above “article” might be cynicism defined, but I do actually like some of the things that happen on RAW/Smackdown/iMPACT. We all do, otherwise we wouldn’t write for Pulse.
Thinking about using my template in your column? Please deposit £4,896,046 into my Swiss bank account.
Think I’m generally wrong about everything? You’re not the only one.
Halcyon + On + Opus + Belinda
It’s not as harsh as the original, yet not as mellow as “+ on + on”. I’ve thrown in some of the stuff they use live, but I couldn’t find a good place for Bon Jovi.
I kinda prefer the second half to the first, but that might just be me.
Week 6 on Inside Pulse: Boredom
I’ll preface this by saying I have an eye infection right now. It’s just hard to write when using one eye and I’m not 100% why, it’s not like I’m looking at two monitors or anything, but I’ve been avoiding the computer altogether for the last few days. I missed out on the round-table for last night’s TNA PPV, but I gave iMPACT a miss this week anyway and I guess this column will explain why…
TELEVISED WRESTLING IS FUCKING BORING
That won’t cut it? Come on, I’m in pain here.
I’m not like some of the writers here on Pulse, wrestling isn’t my life. I know more about wrestling than your average fan, but ask any random IWC “member” and they’ll probably tell you the same thing. FD Swayze knows more about wrestling than all of you, but even he has nothing to say at the moment. We have the “Fistpump Screening Room”, a laid-back place where you can just shoot the shit and riff on whatever you’re watching, but even in there it’s like “Shit, RAW isn’t tonight, is it? Anything good on?”. Blair watches iMPACT because nobody else wants to (Scott Keith himself was gonna co-recap it last week before he came to his senses) and, I could go on all day here…
TNA has been the same since BFG. I only say BFG changed things because Hoak Ogan isn’t taking up half the fucking show any more, but it’s the same shit every week.
Not that they show it over here, but ROH is a weird one. I’m a massive fan of Jim Cornette and agree with everything he has said about booking in the numerous shoot interviews he’s been a part of, but that whole organisation needs an overhaul. The ring looks dark, old and disgusting. The roster appears to be largely comprised of guys FCW rejected. They have the same matches all the time. Every single match runs roughly 10mins longer than needed… Maria is hot as fuck though.
WWE? What do you remember about Lex Luger, Macho Man, Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, The Rockers, The Road Warriors, Vader Sting… Or, a decade or so later, what do you remember about Edge and Christian, The Dudleys, The Hardy Boyz, DX, Raven and his flock, the NWO, Sting (again)… Not all of them had skills on the microphone (hello, Hardys) or tremendous in ring talent (sup, Bubba and D-Von), but they all had a look.
- It didn’t look like this!
Do you think it’s because of all the lighting they use these days? Do you think it’s because it’s easier to make a set of action figures when everyone looks the same? Do you think it’s just a coincidence that Cena is the only guy on that show with an iconic look?
Aside from pretty much everyone dressing the same, they all wrestle the same style. I know a lot of them have amateur backgrounds, some of them even have shoot-fighting backgrounds, so why send guys to OVW/FCW/wherever-the-fuck in order to undo years and years of learning? Mah boy D-Bry (right here!) is a fantastic technical wrestler, but I know that from watching shit from his days before WWE signed him, not because i’ve seen him do anything interesting while feuding with Henry, Big Show, Shaemus and a bunch of other guys who shouldn’t even be under contract. Yoshi Tatsu was a ninja before WWE signed him, A FUCKING NINJA!
Who’s bright idea was it to make everyone wrestle the exact same way? I bet it was the same guy who then said “You’re not getting over, we’re pulling you from TV”.
Did you see this thing on the D-Bry facebook page? It’s a sad state of affairs when kayfabe status updates are more entertaining than the shows these characters appear on.
Other stuff that makes it boring? Look at their PPV schedule and explain to me why we need a PPV built around the concept of a Fatal 4-way. Keep in mind that Stephanie and the writing team are pretty much incompetent when it comes to what used to be known as “booking” a feud. Think I’m being too harsh? I’m sorry, but how many times did they do RAW vs Smackdown at Survivor Series? How many times did they also come up with some sort of bullshit feud at the 13th hour in order to give Bragging Rights some sort of reason to exist?
While I don’t find the idea of watching HHH v Taker 3 all that thrilling, they’ve done the right thing with Hell in a Cell. The reasoning behind using the cell is so spot-on that I’m willing to bet that Taker was the one who though of it. Think it was HHH? I can almost guarantee he had no hand in writing something which doesn’t feature him going over. Anyway, HiaC is still on their list of PPVs for 2012 and you know that it’s gonna look like a bucket of shite compared to the Mania one. See my point now?
Watching wrestling has become a chore and, as an inhabitant of the UK, I can think of about 1,218,907,258,263 things I’d rather do than stay up to 4am on a Tuesday watching RAW, 4am on a Friday watching iMPACT and 5am on a Monday for whatever PPV they expect us to buy/watch this month/fortnight. Some of the things that list would include: watching something entertaining; thinking of ways to kill Jeff Jarrett, should he ever be stupid enough to fly over to Scotland and try to enter my house; going out of my way to infect the other eye and subsequently going blind; re-enacting the death of Owen Hart; sleeping.
Know Vince McMahon and think you can arrange a “sit-down” between the two of us? Leave a horse’s head message in my bed the comments section.
Think this eye infection isn’t the the only health problem I’m suffering from? Grab some tranquillizers, a straight jacket and get ready to dance.
Last week I suggested some movies that WWE could make and four or five of you enjoyed it. Hollywood sequelizes everything these days, so why can’t I?
Before I hit you with this list, I need to clarify that Mel Gibson is out. As much as Hollywood would love to remake all of his movies, he doesn’t bring in the hits. I guess the whole anti-Semite thing kinda drives readers away from the wrestling section, dunno what I was thinking. To make it all better, today’s focus is none other than this glorious bastard:
- Henry: Landscape of an Overweight Jobber – Henry likes to lose to people, in different ways each time. Henry shares an apartment with Mae Young. When Vince McMahon comes to stay, we see both sides of Henry; the “World’s Strongest Man” and the “Sexual Chocolate”. Low budget movie, with some graphic birth scenes.
- Cobra – An Italian-Canadian pro-wrestler must protect the only surviving witness to a strange murderous heel stable with far reaching plans.
- Glengarry Jim Ross – The RAW superstars are given a strong incentive by Vince to succeed in he Royal Rumble contest. The prizes? First prize is a title shot at Wrestlemania, second prize is a run of dark matches, third prize is a pink slip on a pole match! There is no room for losers in this dramatically masculine world; only “main-eventers” will get the gold. There is a lot of pressure to succeed, so a robbery is committed which has unforeseen consequences for all the characters.
- Fella Begins – When his parents were killed, poor Irishman Sheamus O’Shaunessy relocates to America where he is mentored by Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco in how to fight bullies. When learning about a scheme to wipe out Superstars in Greenwich, Connecticut by Patterson, Sheamus heads out to house shows in an attempt to prevent this plan from getting any further.
- Otunga Mockingbird – David Otunga is a lawyer in a racially divided area of New York in the 90s. He agrees to defend an ageing white man who is accused of raping a former referee. Many of the townspeople try to get Otunga to pull out of the trial, but he decides to go ahead. How will the trial turn out, and will it change any of the racial tension in the town?
- 2013: A Brand Odyssey – Sometime in the distant past, someone or something nudged the evolution of the wrestling business by placing a superstar called Hogan in Greenwich. Evolution then enabled Vince McMahon to reach the overseas, where yet another Superstar named Sheamus is found, a Superstar that signals to The WWE Universe that the business has evolved too far. Now a race begins between The Anonymous RAW GM and Teddy Long to reach Fella’s placers. The winner will achieve the next step in evolution of the business, whatever that may be.
- The GM, The Game, His Wife and Otunga – The wife of a cerebral assassin engages in a secretive romance with a gentle lawyer between matches on RAW. Singapore canes, kayfabe, sex, burial, torture and nepotism are the exotic fare in this brutally uncompromising modern fable which has been interpreted as an allegory for McMahonism.
- The Great White – Sheamus raises the stakes in his war on bullies. With the help of the Exectutive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interm General Manager of RAW, John Laurinaitis, and District Attorney David Otunga, Fella sets out to dismantle the remaining heel stables that plague the locker room. The partnership proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a reign of chaos unleashed by an ageing heel known to the terrified citizens of The WWE Universe as The World’s Strongest Man.
- …And Otunga For All – An ethical Greenwich defense lawyer disgusted with rampant legal corruption is asked to defend a Superstar he despises in wrestler’s court. But if he doesn’t do it, JBL will find him in the shower and force him to do things he could never have possibly imagined.
- Plan 9 from PS Hayes – The decrepit Freebird formulates a maniacal scheme: Evil wrestlers attack Randy Orton and set a catastrophic heel-led era into motion. As the heels resurrect dead WWE Legends to destroy the roster, our stupid minds are in danger.
- Rambotunga: First Blood Match II – Former lawyer David Otunga is serving time in a federal prison. When Vince McMahon finds out that All-American American Jack Swagger is missing in action from the RAW brand, possibly still alive and held captive, John Laurinaitis is authorized to send Otunga out to rescue him. For Otunga, this is what he would do best. If only Vickie Guerrero would stop getting in his way…
In an ideal world, WWE would build on their partnership with SyFy and let some of the lower ranking wrestlers have cameos in whatever Mega Amphibian movie they’re in the middle of making…
EXT. FLORIDA EVERGLADES – DAY
YOSHI TATSU
That Salamander has to be 7ft tall and it’s coming right for us!
The salamander slowly creeps towards YOSHI as he looks for a steel chair in order to fend off the hell-beast.
CUT TO:
My WrestleMania thoughts, funnily enough…
The Rock vs. John Cena
Rock wins? WWE is admitting that the product is shit compared to the Attitude Era.
Cena wins? We get Punk v Cena again and I don’t need to tell you who goes over.
Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
Sheamus isn’t ready yet, brother.
Daniel Bryan sucks when forced to work the WWE style.
CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho
Jercho wins? Oh my god, imagine Jericho and The Rock coming out on top. Jericho needs to fuck off back to whatever tiny venues let his band preform.
CM Punk wins? I was watching some stuff from Raven’s run with TNA the other day, including matches which featured Punk doing all sorts of crazy shit, just like those early Chikara shows he appeared on, just like his ROH stuff and, well, fuck IWA Mid South. Ian Rotten is a piece of shit.
The point: Punk’s matches are as by-the-numbers now as Cena, Orton and whoever else the IWC is ragging on this week/month/year.
The Undertaker vs. Triple H
Seen it.
Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show
It’s like this whole PPV is built around WWE trying to convince people that it doesn’t suck right now BY USING GUYS FROM 10+ YEARS AGO! The only thing that’s making me want to watch it is the yet-to-be-announced Ace vs Teddy match, mostly because Santino looks to be involved.
I can’t be the only one that doesn’t give a shit about XXVIII, can I? Let me know in the comments.
Oh, before I go, just a quick update on El Generico…
First one to spot him gets to be the new TNA recapper on Pulse.
martyrshow | Banned In Germany 