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Choose Your Own Adventure – WWE Wrestlemania XXVIII Edition

April 1, 2012

I thought I’d help write everyone in the IWC’s columns for them this week…

The Rock vs. John Cena

I am so happy / sad that Cena / Dwayne won last night.  The crowd were on their feet from the entrances onwards and cheered like the Road Warriors were in town.  My man John Cena / The Rock landed four finishers during this match and it still wasn’t enough for to get the victory, as the dastardly / awesome wrestler Brock Lesnar / The Miz ran down and destroyed The Rock with an F5 / whatever the fuck Miz does.  I think we’ll see a rematch somewhere down the road, maybe at SummerSlam.

Triple H vs. The Undertaker

At last, a Hell in a Cell match that makes sense.  The entrances took forever, but man, was it worth it.  WWE don’t have brawls like this any more / had this exact same brawl last year, and for good reason: these two men put their life on the line for their company every time they lace up a pair of boots / Vince couldn’t come up with anything.  You could see the veins popping on The Undertaker’s bald head as he tried to walk / received the 13th pedigree of the match.  I cant believe Shawn Michaels turned on HHH / super-kicked The Undertaker.  All I want to know is if Marc Calaway can walk / WWE are planning to do the same shit again next year.

Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos vs. Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres


CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho

Now this was a match.  The best in the world proved himself tonight.  You could hear a pin drop as CM Punk / Chris Jericho soared through the air like a majestic eagle / thanksgiving turkey CM Punk showed that his fathers’ abuse of alcohol hasn’t affected him at all / has left him in need of a kidney transplant.  Forget Cena v Rock,  this was truly a match for the ages / proof that WWE can fuck anything up.

Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Sheamus

The Great White was on fire / an embarrassment tonight.  Mah Boy D-Bry right here needs to grow about a foot and learn how to powerslam / had an incredibly tough time carrying Fella through this.  AJ was hot / fucking useless here, but maybe we’ll get more of this “submissions expert and abusive husband runs rampage” storyline over the next few weeks (unless Nancy’s estate sues).

Cody Rhodes (c) vs. The Big Show

Big Show has finally won every title in the WWE / proved that weighing 500 pounds for any length of time will lead to heart failure.  Cody Rhodes might have been IC Champion for the past 8 months, but it wasn’t until tonight that he proved he can play with the big boys / who really gives a shit about the mid-card belts?

Randy Orton vs. Kane

This was pure filler.  Orton should have been facing Wade Barrett / part of the Team Teddy vs Team Ace match.

Team Teddy (Santino Marella (captain), R-Truth, Kofi Kingston, Zack Ryder, The Great Khali, and Booker T) (with Hornswoggle) vs. Team Johnny (David Otunga (captain), Mark Henry, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, The Miz, and Drew McIntyre) (with Vickie Guerrero)

What a cluster-fuck.  Khali appeared to help WWE sell merch in India,  but he really has no place in the ring.  Otunga was fucking glorious / woeful as usual here, showing that you don’t need to be able to wrestle in order to become a superstar / the only thing WWE do well these days are the comedic characters.  Santino was also ridiculously good / brain-numbingly pitiful.  Henry was working hurt and it showed, he needs a backstage role now in order to teach the younger guys everything he’s learned since ’96 / a fucking oxygen tank just to run the ropes.  Even though I can’t stand Ace / Teddy and the fact that his team won, it’s still better than the fucking iGM they had this time last year.

All in all, I thought this was way better than Wrestlemania XXVII, possibly the best in the last 10 years / proof that I’m not WWE’s target audience any more and that they won’t go back to the Attitude Era, no matter how many fanboys bitch and moan.

I’ll be hosting a round-table type thing with a large number of Pulse Wrestling writers next week.  The topic is positivity and the working title is For Jeff (Hardy, Jarrett, Farmer).  The above “article” might be cynicism defined, but I do actually like some of the things that happen on RAW/Smackdown/iMPACT.  We all do, otherwise we wouldn’t write for Pulse.

Thinking about using my template in your column?  Please deposit £4,896,046 into my Swiss bank account.

Think I’m generally wrong about everything?  You’re not the only one.

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