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Flatlining: Octoberfest (John Cena, CM Punk, The Rock)

September 30, 2012

INT. THE TOP SECRET WRITERS ROOM – NIGHT

Various “men” are engaged in a pissing contest. One poorly looking writer (KON) walks into the room and the rest split off into groups.

CB

KON!

KON

CB!

F.D. SWAYZE

Yo!

CB

What have you got for today?

KON

Nothing, nothing at all.

F.D. SWAYZE

I said yo!

KON

Yo.

BLAIR

What about those interviews? Those went down really well.

KON

Those things take at least eight days to conduct, then I have to edit, come up with a witty name and whatnot… Its a lot of work for 200 hits.

CB

Cant you just throw something together?

KON

I’ve got nothing to say and i’m really not about to shit out something just because it’s Tuesday

GROUP ON FAR SIDE OF THE ROOM

Never stopped us…

The group from the back of the room frown and then return to whatever meaningless conversation they were having. F.D. SWAYZE looks out the window and notices something, he quickly slips away.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

If you’re complaining about hits, try writing about wrestlers who people actually give a shit about.

KON

What the fuck are you smoking? My most successful column was about the “Divas”. THE DIVAS! Who the fuck are you anyway?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Maybe the reason it went down so well is because you were talking about plot and character motivation, things that are really lacking on the current shows.

KON

Aren’t they watching the wrong fucking shows then? RAW has not been, nor will ever be The Sopranos.

Cut to:

Ideally there’d be a big thing here about how the AJ and D-Bry storyline could have played out like the first few seasons of The Sopranos, but nobody saved the chatlogs from the Fistpump Screening Room.

AJ was Junior Soprano, D-Bry was Tony Soprano, Vince was Hesh, Paulie Wallnuts and Johnny Sack made their WWE debut. This’ll be funny to all of three people, but at least I know who my audience is.

Cut to:

INT. THE TOP SECRET WRITERS ROOM – NIGHT

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

I’ve never seen The Sopranos.

KON

Then what the fuck are you doing talking about storyline and character development? If you want good things from a good show, watch a good show.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

But WWE has fantastic production values…

KON

They have a nice lighting rig and a good editor that only works the day before PPVs…

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Better than TNA…

KON

Why do people bring up TNA when talking about WWE as if one cancels the other out?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

But they do.

KON

Have you ever seen someone say that Keeping Up With The Kardasians is a great show because Living Lohan was shite?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Well, no, but…

KON

Then you’re the cancer of wrestling fandom.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

I think you’ll find it’s called the “IWC”

KON

Come again?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

IWC, Internet Wresting Community.

KON

What’s that?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Its the all-encompassing term for people who write about wrestling on the internet.

KON

So, bloggers then?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

No, IWC writers.

KON

Do they get paid?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Some of them, yes. Scott Keith even has books published about his wrestling journalism…

KON

Alright, i’ll give you “writers”. What about this community thing, do they hang out with each other?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

No.

KON

Do they meet up a few times a year?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

No.

KON

Do they all post on like a message board or something?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

No.

KON

So how exactly is this a community?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Well, back in the day we were all scattered across thousands of geocities and freewebs. We would post our writings on alt.sports.prowresting and every year people made lists of their top 100 IWC writers.

KON

And people still make those lists?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Um…

KON

So it doesn’t exist?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

It exists, i’m a part of it!

KON

In what way?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

My website gets around 60 hits per article.

KON

And you don’t think that being part of a community would yield more hits?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

That’s rich coming from you.

KON

Well played, sir.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

It’s not just about hits, the “IWC” share ideals.

KON

Such as?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

John Cena’s refusal to turn heel is ruining the WWE!

KON

You know John Cena is a character, right?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

The higher-ups are refusing to turn him!

KON

Can you name any other wrestler right now who does the same amount of charity work as him?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Well, no…

KON

If you were running a business, wouldn’t you want the guy who’s doing all this charity work and getting the company ridiculous exposure to be in your top spot?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

How is he getting them exposure?

KON

Every time he pulls up to a hospital in a John Cena t-shirt, he’s advertising the WWE. He’s a billboard for the good deeds the company are doing. When you add that to the whole thing with The Rock, Cena is like the public face of the WWE. Hell, the guy is leading the fight against cancer at the moment.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

C.M. Punk should be the top guy, he’s a breath of fresh air.

KON

He’s a heel now, right?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Yeah, so? They could turn him again.

KON

He’s rocking the handlebar look, right?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

And?

KON

He’s moaning about respect and how he’s been treated every week?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

That’s just what the writers give him…

KON

But wasn’t everyone like “Punk is so creative and thought up *that promo* all on his own”?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Yeah, it was amazing, best worked-shoot ever!

KON

So if he was allowed to cut a worked-shoot promo last year as a heel and gained nothing but praise, you’re telling me that the WWE creative team would throw a spanner in the works and force him to say contrived bullshit every week?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Yes! WWE Creative fucking suck.

KON

They do, but I didn’t see anyone twisting his arm during RAW.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Fuck you!

KON

Hasn’t he been wrestling the exact same match for the last 18 months, with his own five-moves-of-doom and multiple “finisher” attempts?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

You mother fucker!

The anonymous “IWC” member pulls out a 9mm and starts waving it around. Everyone in the room gets down on the floor – everyone except the anonymous “IWC” member and KON, who continues talking.

KON

He’s boring, the whole fucking three hour long thing is ridiculous and- You know what? I’m not the kind of guy that calls their readers idiots or morons, i’m not the guy who pretends that his opinion is fact and assassinates the character of anyone who disagrees with them. I fucking hate those guys, putting themselves atop some metaphorical Mount Sinai and issuing out bullshit laws about what is and isn’t cool, who people are aloud to like and what they should be thinking. The reality is that these guys spend a ridiculous amount of their lives watching oiled-up guys in spandex grab each other and try to make up for it by having a go at the very same people who put them in business. If that’s the spirit of the “IWC”, some pathetic hivemind based on inadequacy and self-pity? You can stick it up your fucking arse.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

That’s it!

The anonymous “IWC” member points the gun at KON’s head.

Time to say goodbye!

 

THE END

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