RAW is Woeful 25/7/11

We open with a shot of a cheap looking version of the WWE title, it doesn’t spin. They need to re-design the belt anyway, now would’ve been a good time, but oh no, we can’t do that, it’ll confuse the kids…

The Rey vs Miz holdover from last week

Rey wins the WWE title

Del Rio runs down with a ref & thinks about cashing in, but he’s Del Rio and nobody cares.

Cut To:

30 hungry guys & some divas backstage cheering for another Rey title win. Why? They like that the champ still isn’t Cena, I guess. It’s coming, though, just give it a week or so.

insert-ad break here.

We get a recap of the Rey win & HHH talking to Vince last week & King says a Hunter will be doing a “State of the WWE” promo later on.

insert-ad break here.

I’m not even kidding, they came back on with 3 mins of nothing before cutting to another ad break.

Dolph w/Vickie vs Evan Bourne

Dolph wins

We get a promo for like mid-2000 wwf in order to promote another DVD, all the clips in the promo are far more entertaining than the show they are being advertised on. It’s not a good idea to say “hey, you remember how good we were 10 years ago?” when you’re not even an hour into your shitty, boring (again) show.

insert-ad break here

The Bella Twins are arguing with someone & this dick head from the beer adverts walks on. He passes someone the box of Keystone Light & we’re told the Bella Twins went home to get away from this creepy guy.

Kelly Kelly & Eve v Melina & ?

Who the fuck cares, seriously?

I think it was Kelly Kelly, but someone told me Obama was talking tonight & i started hunting for a news stream.

insert ad-break here, again.

Triple H comes out wearing the same tight suit as last week. He’s squeezed into a 38 chest by the looks of things, so it’s fair to say he’ll be sidelined with a shoulder injury in about a month.

He says “Man, this company is big” “Vince did me a solid by handing it over” and whatnot, even though it was “stolen” from Vince via some board meeting.

He announces another WWE title match for this episode of RAW, Rey v Cena (i fucking told you). Let’s talk about making your belt valuable in terms of positioning & storytelling, ok?

We- fucking crows chants “C.M. Punk” & Hunter welcomes back the “superstar” Jim Ross, a guy who was doing commentary 3 PPVs ago.

Cole stands up on his desk & i start hitting my head off the one in front of me. Forgive me if the rest of this post isn’t in English…

Cole refuses to work with J.R., he calls him an ass-kisser & a fat cunt. Tripple H tells him to STFU & GTFO, Cole settles down & Hunter tells him to stand back up, this is like a fucking Benny Hill episode.

Cole vs R-Truth (i guess)

Cole walks backstage as Truth comes out, so Truth wins via count out?

R-Truth talks about conspiracies & Tripper starts talking to invisible men, delivering the best “live” moment of the show.

John Morrison vs R-Truth (try making sense out of all this, see how far you get)

Morrison wins via no bell being rang at the start of the “match”

insert ad-break here

I needed this one, i told you RAW was turning into TNA & now they have the boss talking to himself in the middle of the ring. Russo is a fucking moron, but even he wouldn’t book this madness.

Cole comes out to HHH’s music, wearing Hunter’s speedos…

Cole (again) vs Zack Ryder

Ryder wins

J.R. asks who the fuck let Ryder on RAW, King says he’s big on the internet.

insert ad-break here. 

Too Soon.

Slam of the week happened 8  days ago.

Del Rio vs Kofi

Del Rio wins

😦

A fucking massive centipede is in the room. as much as i’d like to continue telling you show shit RAW is tonight, i have to burn the house down.

EDIT: And i’m back on the neighbour’s wi-fi to bring you the rest of RAW.

Cena vs Rey

Cena wins the WWE title

Even though i called this shit, it doesn’t mean i enjoyed it.

Cult of Personality by Living Colour plays over the PA as C.M. Punk comes out wearing his belt. They stand in the ring & do a “my belt is better than yours” bit without a mic & Cena walks out of the ring.

fade to black.

Wish me luck finding another house.