Surplus: How To Save RAW (yeah, I know, but read it anyway)
So this Kevin Hellions guy has been posting some ideas over on thepowerbomb.com about how he thinks HHH should fix RAW (as if it’s up to him) & obviously, i disagree with almost everything. Hellions made a great sacrifice by watching the latest Chyna porn movie in order to get his name known, so I wont rip into the guy just yet…
So lets start with the overall boring feel/everything being bland except for Punk. How to make people want to watch Smackdown may be a bigger problem, but I’d rather not think about that show.
PPV!
So the PPVs for this year are:
Royal Rumble
Elimination Chamber
WrestleMania
Extreme Rules
Over the Limit
Capitol Punishment
Money in the Bank
SummerSlam
Night of Champions
Hell in a Cell
Vengeance
Survivor Series
TLC (Tables, Ladders & Chairs)
The problematic ones are Elimination Chamber, Extreme Rules, Money in the Bank, Hell in a Cell & TLC. Why? Well tell me why they need to have an Elimination Chamber?
Do they have so many top-tier guys that have all earned the right to be #1 contender? Do they have 6 guys stuck in a massive feud & locking them inside this massive structure is the only way to solve it? No, they have it because it’s February.
Rinse & repeat for the others. Do they really need to promote a PPV based around extreme rules when almost all title matches seem to be no DQ anyway?
Remember the first TLC match at SummerSlam back in 2000? It was a culmination of months & months of story featuring the Dudley Boys (Tables), the Hardy Brothers (Ladders) & Edge & Christian (Chairs), it made so much sense to have a match that combined what all three teams were known for.
TLC 2010? Cena vs Wade Barrett in a chairs match.
A chairs match? A match with some chairs?
That’s just fucking lazy.
These gimmicks cost WWE money too, particularly Elimination Chamber & Hell in a Cell due to all the metal required & the number of people it takes to build them. Why go to all that trouble for Cena vs CM Punk vs John Morrison vs Sheamus vs Randy Orton vs R-Truth when
a) Everyone knew Cena would win & get the belt back at Mania.
b) Orton? They already had plans for him getting the World title.
c) They already had plans to push R-Truth after Cena v Miz.
d) Punk was in the middle of a 6+ month-long losing streak.
They wrote themselves into a corner with these gimmick PPVs. Kids would’ve preferred to see Cena win in a regular match against maybe Morrison & Orton. Just Cena vs Orton would’ve done some good numbers for them.
Another fine example would be Money in the Bank, they open the show with the match the PPV is sold around. I told you earlier that I don’t even want to think about Smackdown, so lets look at the RAW one:
Alberto Del Rio vs Rey Mysterio vs Kofi Kingston vs Alex Riley vs R-Truth vs The Miz vs Evan Bourne vs Jack Swagger (Del Rio won).
Like i said before, Del Rio lost a title match at mania & nobody cared about him then. Rey exists to make the younger guys look good. Kofi? Kofi is great & they have booked him poorly. Alex Riley is known only for being Miz’s bitch. R-Truth had just came off the back of a feud with Cena. Miz had just came off the back of a feud with Cena. Evan Bourne, wait, who the fuck is Evan Bourne? Jack Swagger’s WrestleMania this year consisted of trying to help a non-wrestler beat a retired one…
They probably should’ve kept MitB as part of WrestleMania. It’d let smaller guys be on the show (more-so than the Sheamus battle royal dark match) and plant the seeds early for whatever storylines that they were going to develop for the rest of the year.
It’s not all bad, I love the concept of Night of Champions (even if it’s a watered down ‘Mania) because you’ll see every belt be contested in matches that may or may not have gimmicks. It’s one of the few great PPV ideas that WWE have had recently. The other (non-gimmick) PPVs they have exist to either end storylines or throw in a huge plot twist (or they should, but that’s for another article), so having one that’s all about the gold is a great idea.
TALENT!
What do you remember about Lex Luger, Macho Man, Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, The Rockers, The Road Warriors, Vader, Sting…
Or, a decade or so later, what do you remember about Edge & Christian, The Dudleys, The Hardy Boyz, DX, Raven & his flock, the NWO, Sting (again)…
Not all of them had skills on the microphone (hello, Hardys) or tremendous in ring talent (sup, Bubba & D-Von), but they all had a look.
It didn’t look like this!
Everyone wears speedos now for 2 reasons I can think of.
1) With all the lights WWE use on their shows & PPVs these days, it’s incredibly hot in the arena & guys have to run about for 15 or so minutes in those conditions.
2) It’s easier to create moulds for action figures & design characters for a video game when they all look the same.
You know what it’s not easy to do when all your guys dress the same?
Say hello to the Del Rio shirt!
Did you know this existed?
Do you think they sell any?
If they do, do you think the numbers are anything close to an Austin shirt or a Rock shirt is selling right now, or the Dudley Boys shirts were 10 years ago?
I see a wrestler wearing a cool shirt & think “I want to buy that shirt” (as did some rich guys the day after Money in the Bank). I see a wrestler wearing some tight speedos & think “I shouldn’t have to hope that a camera points at your arse for 10 seconds just so I can figure out your name”.
Trousers, shorts, singlets… lots of options here.
Cena gets to wear shorts & a T-Shirt & right now & guess what? The guy has an iconic look because of it.
Rey has colourful trousers to match his mask & guess what? The guy has an iconic look because of it.
Del Rio? Miz? Kofi? Dolph?
Maybe if they weren’t forced to wear a uniform they wouldn’t have to resort to playing stereotypes in order to try & get over. Maybe, and this is a big one, but maybe people would buy the shirts if they knew they existed.
RAW is… 1st of August 2011
So you’ll all be glad to know that I bought another mansion with all the cash I’m making from this site & the internet is up and running. Also up & running is an arson investigation, but if the News of the World can get away with paying off police…
We open with a recap of the Punk & Cena angle (including Rey’s hour-long reign) with some piano playing minor chords to make you feel upset because Cena isn’t the proper champ or something, but it doesnt work, so they switch to Cult of Personality about half way through.
Punk comes out, seeing as the “Maybe he’ll take the belt to ROH or New Japan” thing has been shat down the pan already.
King, Cole & J.R. argue over who gets to pimp twitter this week. King wins, but he still sounds like he doesn’t know what it is.
Punk sits down in the ring like he’s Raven & asks “Why did i come back?” (like he doesn’t know?). He tells a story about not liking Vince/Steph/Hunter & wanting to cause some change (didn’t R-Truth say the same a few months ago?). He says WWE will be “fun again” & asks the fans to switch off when they get bored, i think.
Cena is mentioned, crowd responds with appropriate level of “boo”.
“Same old, same old” -C.M. Punk, August 2011
HHH walks out in another suit, but it fits a lot better than the other ones he’s been trying as of late. He talks about why he “re-signed” Punk, money being the reason, obviously. He says Punk is “Smug, over-rated, attention-seeking…” & Punk responds with “Yeah, that’s me”.
Punk thinks the roster got fucked by Vince (not Brisco?).
Hunter announces that he’ll make an announcement later on about the announcement of a title vs title match at Summer Slam.
“Skinny, fat ass” comes out of Hunter’s mouth, providing our “live moment” of the week less than half an hour in.
Insert ad-break here.
Divas battle royal
Insert ad-break mid-match.
Beth Phoenix wins via throwing both Bella Twins out of the ring (and into my bed) at the same time.
Miz & R-Truth pull some faces at each other & Truth tries to spell conspiracy, this whole bit goes nowhere.
insert ad-break here.
Cena gets interviewed for some reason, it goes nowhere too.
Miz & R-Truth vs…
Insert ad-break here.
Miz & R-Truth vs Rey & John Morrison
Insert ad-break here, i’m not even kidding with these.
Miz & R-Truth win via some sort of ear-rake & pin combination.
Hunter talks for a bit & nothing of any importance happens.
Insert ad-break here.
Dolph Ziggler comes out with w/Vickie & they let her talk 
Alex Riley shows up & says something that might be important, but i’ve got this shit on mute now. Are they having a match at Summer Slam or something? It’s a bit early for Riley to be US champion.
Insert ad-break here.
David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty vs Zack Ryder & Santino Marella
David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty win via pinfall.
Insert ad-break here.
Punk gets interviewed, they seem to be pushing this announcement Triple H is gonna make quite hard, so i bet it’s something shit.
Del Rio vs…
Insert ad-break here.
Del Rio vs Evan Bourne
Del Rio wins via submission.
Del Rio gets an arm bar on Evan after the bell, Kofi comes down to break it up & that’s the end of that, I sense another ad-break is on the way…
Insert ad-break here.
HHH comes out, so does John Laurinaitis & John Cena. To cut a long story short, Punk comes out after 7mins of talking & it gets announced that the two of them will fight at Summer Slam to crown an “undisputed champion” (they did the same in 2002 with Jericho coming out on top, i think).
Punk & Cena do the “my belt is better than yours” thing again & the music gets all fucked up from switching between the two themes too much. Who wins?
3.5 matches this week then? At least the Keystone Light guy didn’t show up.
I thought i’d watch an episode of Nitro i haven’t seen since it originally aired. I’ve re-watched all of 95, 96 & 97 already, so i’m left with the bumpy year.
Man, Nitro had a weird opening. All these clips are projected on to buildings while fire runs down the street & then the fire shoots up into the air as the logo appears. They should’ve hired the guy from NBA JAM to shout “IT’S ON FIRE” right at the end.
They extended Nitro to three hours about two weeks before this episode, so you can’t really compare the number of matches with Raw or Impact. It’s strange though, I personally think TNA should kill Xplosion & have a 3 hour long Impact instead. They’d have an extra hour of ad-revenue coming in & you’d actually have a solid undercard (meaning they wouldn’t need 2-3 “knockouts” matches on each episode, yay!).
Anyway, let’s get on with the show…
Rockhouse plays and Hogan comes out with Bischoff to talk about the impending NWO split. Hulk says he’s “sick of all the gaga” (obviously he’s not a fan of Bad Romance) & that he’ll take care of Macho Man tonight.
Whatever you want to think of Hogan, the guy had charisma. Bischoff has to hold the mic during this promo because Hulk is just too into it, his arms are flailing, his head is moving about, he’s feeding on the fan reactions & reacting in away that so few wrestlers with “mic skills” can do.
The Macho Man is in the crowd with a mic, we hear “ooh yeah!” and then i think he says “I’m gonna treat you like an Amish boy & beat you all the way from El Paso, Texas (where Nitro is taking place) to New Orleans” & the crowd must hate Amish guys too (maybe not Roadkill though), as they start cheering their little hearts out.
Hulk starts to talk again & even though he’s looking straight into the crowd, he ignores the fact that Savage has walked away & delivers the rest of the promo while looking at an empty seat.
We come back from an ad-break with The Nitro Girls, one of the many things WCW did just to show how happy they were to be on the air. Back when nitro was extended from one hour to two they’d have a fireworks display at the 60 min mark, even if a match was taking place at the time. TNA should really appreciate the air-time Spike gives them.
Larry Zbyszko’s chair is empty tonight because he is (or was, but imagine i’m writing all of this as it airs) in the middle of a feud with Scott Hall. Imagine if RAW went a full episode without Cole & you’re about halfway there ( Cole is playing more of a Heenan type role though).
Glacier comes out for his match. He was WCW’s version of Mortal Kombat’s Sub Zero. In ’96 they rolled promos for about 5 months before he appeared on the show & his matches happened under a weird blue light in order to sell the concept, but nevermind that shit, here comes Mongo…
Glacier vs Mongo
Mongo wins via pinfall
Mortis (WCW’s version of Reptile) runs into the ring & beats up Mongo. Luckily, Kanyon’s personality shines through this terrible gimmick & he had a regular run when they dropped it (the same can not be said of Glacier).
Mongo gets back in the ring gives Mortis a Toombstone (why?).
Norman Smiley vs Konnan
Konnan wins via submission
I always liked Norman Smiley. I couldn’t tell you about any great matches or promos he had, but i was a fan of his back in the day & even now, i didn’t want Konnan to win.
A guy from GM comes out & talks cars with Tenay for a bit. WCW did a lot of things with car races & monster trucks for some reason.
The Nitro Girls come back out while Tony Schiavone pimps the rest of the card & some house shows coming up.
J.J. Dillon comes out & says Nick Patrick is a shit ref who was suspended for a reason, he has security throw Nick out of the building.
Yuji Nagata W/ Sonny Onoo vs Disco Inferno
Disco Inferno wins via pinfall
La Parka comes out, hits Nagata with a chair & starts dancing in the middle of the ring.
Luger tells Tenay he’s sick of all the drama in the NWO right now & pimps Sting v Hogan.
Eddie Guerrero & Chris Jericho vs Dean Malenko & Chavo
Eddie & Chris win via submission
El Dandy vs Juventud Guerrera
Juvi wins via pinfall
Jericho enters the ring & Juvi gives him a slap. Chris grabs a mic & asks what the problem is before agreeing to put his Cruiser-weight Title on the line, against Juvi’s mask.
Regal vs Goldberg
Goldberg wins via pinfall
Fuck yeah! I had no idea this was the show where Regal taught Goldberg how to wrestle, it’s just luck.
The Nitro Girls are out again…
Louie Spicolli vs Chris Adams
Chris Adams wins via DQ (Louie hit him with the briefcase)
Zbyszko runs down & chases Spicolli out of the ring.
Ultimo Dragon vs Saturn
Saturn wins via pinfall
Raven vs US Champion Booker T
Raven says Booker should go backstage & hand the title to Saturn, Booker refuses & The Flock run in. Saturn puts the rings on Booker & while Raven screams “feel our pain” & i guess the match is declared no-contest.
Bishoff & Hogan come out again & Macho Man attacks them half way down the ramp, so i guess this is…
Macho Man Randy Savage vs Hollywood Hulk Hogan
The match goes on for a long time before the NWO run in & beat up Savage. I guess it’s another DQ, but the bell doesn’t ring to end it.
Lex Luger comes down & asks where Savage is, says it’s typical tha- Savage jumps into the ring & the two go at it…
Macho Man Randy Savage vs Lex Luger (?)
Sting appears from nowhere & starts beating on Savage. A big black net (i’m not fucking kidding) drops from the rafters & traps Luger, Sting & Savage as the NWO enter the ring. Security comes down to clear the ring as we go to another ad-break.
The Nitro girls are out again…
Heenan, Tenay & Tony recap tonight’s events before Hall & Nash come down to talk about “the troubles”.
Hall has been doing this bit where he asks the crowd if the came to see WCW or NWO for a while now & tonight NWO wins the cheer count again. The group had been going for 19 months at this point & were still getting the crowd’s attention, not by force either. If you’ve read all the above, you’ll know they took up a lot of time tonight, but the majority of 20+ males in the audience were rocking NWO shirts & signs, some of them had hats too. I guess the NWO were the grown man’s Cena, but in ’98 i was 11 and cheering for Sting.
Nash drops a bit of foreshadowing during a shout-out to syxx & then the Steiner Brothers come out, so…
The Outsiders vs The Steiners for the WCW Tag Titles
The Steiners win the belts via pinfall
If only Rick knew what was about to happen…
A pretty average WCW show then (well, for early 98). Lots of bigger matches with dirty finishes, some great cruiserweight stuff, Raven kicking ass & the Sting v Hogan feud.
Match of the night was Eddie & Jericho vs Malenko & Chavo, they gave it a surprisingly large amount of time & it was entertaining from start to finish. Eddie & Jericho were heels, so you get a great bit where Eddie is doing an abdominal stretch & using Jericho’s arm for leverage, but when the ref checks it out Eddie starts scratching his leg & hamming it up.
Podcast: From Acid House to Winehouse
Craig & Martin map out a house drum beat & try to comprehend the importance of one, talk about 606′s, 808′s & 303′s, 10 Ragas To a Disco Beat by Charnajit Singh being acid before acid, ridiculous genres that have no definition i.e.”grime” “garage” “uk funky”… The subject of Winehouse is brought up and we get confused with the number of albums she released vs the number of albums she should’ve & move on to talk about other posthumous releases by people like Hendrix, Tupac, Nirvana…
Stream via Youtube
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RAW is Woeful 25/7/11
We open with a shot of a cheap looking version of the WWE title, it doesn’t spin. They need to re-design the belt anyway, now would’ve been a good time, but oh no, we can’t do that, it’ll confuse the kids…
The Rey vs Miz holdover from last week
Rey wins the WWE title
Del Rio runs down with a ref & thinks about cashing in, but he’s Del Rio and nobody cares.
Cut To:
30 hungry guys & some divas backstage cheering for another Rey title win. Why? They like that the champ still isn’t Cena, I guess. It’s coming, though, just give it a week or so.
insert-ad break here.
We get a recap of the Rey win & HHH talking to Vince last week & King says a Hunter will be doing a “State of the WWE” promo later on.
insert-ad break here.
I’m not even kidding, they came back on with 3 mins of nothing before cutting to another ad break.
Dolph w/Vickie vs Evan Bourne
Dolph wins
We get a promo for like mid-2000 wwf in order to promote another DVD, all the clips in the promo are far more entertaining than the show they are being advertised on. It’s not a good idea to say “hey, you remember how good we were 10 years ago?” when you’re not even an hour into your shitty, boring (again) show.
insert-ad break here
The Bella Twins are arguing with someone & this dick head from the beer adverts walks on. He passes someone the box of Keystone Light & we’re told the Bella Twins went home to get away from this creepy guy.
Kelly Kelly & Eve v Melina & ?
Who the fuck cares, seriously?
I think it was Kelly Kelly, but someone told me Obama was talking tonight & i started hunting for a news stream.
insert ad-break here, again.
Triple H comes out wearing the same tight suit as last week. He’s squeezed into a 38 chest by the looks of things, so it’s fair to say he’ll be sidelined with a shoulder injury in about a month.
He says “Man, this company is big” “Vince did me a solid by handing it over” and whatnot, even though it was “stolen” from Vince via some board meeting.
He announces another WWE title match for this episode of RAW, Rey v Cena (i fucking told you). Let’s talk about making your belt valuable in terms of positioning & storytelling, ok?
We- fucking crows chants “C.M. Punk” & Hunter welcomes back the “superstar” Jim Ross, a guy who was doing commentary 3 PPVs ago.
Cole stands up on his desk & i start hitting my head off the one in front of me. Forgive me if the rest of this post isn’t in English…
Cole refuses to work with J.R., he calls him an ass-kisser & a fat cunt. Tripple H tells him to STFU & GTFO, Cole settles down & Hunter tells him to stand back up, this is like a fucking Benny Hill episode.
Cole vs R-Truth (i guess)
Cole walks backstage as Truth comes out, so Truth wins via count out?
R-Truth talks about conspiracies & Tripper starts talking to invisible men, delivering the best “live” moment of the show.
John Morrison vs R-Truth (try making sense out of all this, see how far you get)
Morrison wins via no bell being rang at the start of the “match”
insert ad-break here
I needed this one, i told you RAW was turning into TNA & now they have the boss talking to himself in the middle of the ring. Russo is a fucking moron, but even he wouldn’t book this madness.
Cole comes out to HHH’s music, wearing Hunter’s speedos…
Cole (again) vs Zack Ryder
Ryder wins
J.R. asks who the fuck let Ryder on RAW, King says he’s big on the internet.
insert ad-break here.
Too Soon.
Slam of the week happened 8 days ago.
Del Rio vs Kofi
Del Rio wins
A fucking massive centipede is in the room. as much as i’d like to continue telling you show shit RAW is tonight, i have to burn the house down.
EDIT: And i’m back on the neighbour’s wi-fi to bring you the rest of RAW.
Cena vs Rey
Cena wins the WWE title
Even though i called this shit, it doesn’t mean i enjoyed it.
Cult of Personality by Living Colour plays over the PA as C.M. Punk comes out wearing his belt. They stand in the ring & do a “my belt is better than yours” bit without a mic & Cena walks out of the ring.
fade to black.
Wish me luck finding another house.
