CB: Hey, I just read through our back and forth on the Ultimate Warrior, and I must say it turned out awesome. Speaking of which, I was wondering if our next wrestler we discuss could be The Miz…

…HA! Just kidding KON, as if anyone cares about The Miz in 2012 (what happened to all his IWC supporters, anyway? You know, the ones who said he was here to stay in the main event for years to come? Anyways, I digress…). I actually thought that since we just covered Warrior we might as well get one of the other big fish out of the way and talk about Hulk Hogan.

YAPPAPI!

KON: What’s your earliest memory of Hulkamania running wild, brother?

CB: “Well you know something Mean Gene…” <—- Those words right there still bring me back to the good old days of Hulkamania, with the charmingly canned promo segments, the training, the prayers, the vitamins, the 24-inch Pythons, the shirt rips, and of course  the “Whatcha gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?!”, a rhetorical question of course.

I would say my earliest Hogan wrestling memory is when he was feuding with the Iron Sheik, but I really started loving Hulkamania like everyone else when he body slammed Andre at WrestleMania III.

KON: When he lifted the 1289437535893068690509688550897652 pound giant above his head and all the little Hulkamaniacs blew the roof off the arena, dude? Well I gotta tell you something, jack: that was before my time, brother.

I remember the Flair feud and the title v title match with The Undertaker. I ended up seeing most of the stuff prior to the Flair feud on VHS. Hulk’s cartoon was being repeated around that time as well, so he was still quite popular. He wasn’t my favourite guy at the time, but he was still good.

About a month ago, we were looking through my grandmother’s old photos to try and find something for the funeral. We found a picture of a four-year-old me wearing the WWF World Heavyweight Championship while striking a Hoganesque pose.

I kinda hit the tail-end of his popularity, but if you can remember him feuding with Sheik, he must’ve been fucking everywhere when you were little. The Cartoon, the album, the roles in Rocky III and No Holds Barred, the talk shows he did to promote WWF at the time, the shows themselves… What was it like as a fan to see your favourite guy everywhere?

CB: Well, the reason I was a huge Hogan fan was BECAUSE he was everywhere. For Hulkamania to reach me as a 5 year-old, Vince McMahon and WWF must have been doing something right. And, like everyone else my age, I not only remember Hogan being everywhere, I remember Hulkamania being in my house. I had The Wrestling Album, and my favourite line in the opening number was Piper saying, “Hogan’s such a yo-yoooooooo” because even back then I knew that meant Hogan was the hero and Piper the “bad guy”, so I understood Piper’s hate in those simplest of terms. 

I had the Hulkamania weights, the blue plastic dumbbells that came with an accompanying cassette tape. I had the Hogan wrist-bands, the Hogan Wrestling Buddy, and I LOVED the Real American theme once it was his. 

For all of that merchandise to reach my hands back in those days, it’s really a testament to the marketing behind Hulkamania, and also the fact that wrestling back then was on broadcast television on Saturday mornings in both regular and cartoon forms. 

As for the movies, I loved Rocky III and the whole Thunderlips thing was fun. I also loved Andre in The Princess Bride, too, which confused me since he was a good guy in the movie and such a bad guy in WWF when he was feuding with Hogan and part of the Heenan family. 

Like Warrior, I wished all those memories of Hogan could be the only ones I have today, but of course that’s impossible with the way things have gone for the Hulkster recently.

KON: Hogan held the WWF World Heavyweight Title for roughly 2000 years. At what point did you start to get bored with Hulkamania as a whole?

CB: I never really got bored with Hulkamania back then because at the time he was being phased out WWF really didn’t put him on TV all that much. After all, that was before the whole “longest running weekly episodic TV show” known as Monday Night Raw started its run on USA.

I will say though I liked Warrior more than Hogan at one point, and when Hogan beat Yokozuna it was a fun moment.

I soured on Hogan more when I got a little older, though, so by the time he was in WCW pre-NWO I was over it. I actually didn’t watch much WCW during that in-between stretch, so I was more into Bret, Owen and HBK, etc. at that point.

KON: They had a crazy amount of entertaining guys on their shows, very few of which suffered from overuse. Nasty Boys being maybe the only exception, one match from them was enough (which was lucky for them…).

When Warrior beat Hulk for the title, that must’ve been a clear sign that his time had passed. The Hogan vs. Undertaker match a year later was, again, Title vs. Title and he somehow managed to convince McMahon that Hulkamania was still running wild.  The loss to Yoko was really the only time that Vince put his foot down and Hogan, instead of accepting that he was no longer the top guy (even though he had been told as much for the past 3 years), ran over to WCW to fuck their programming up,

If you were in Hulk’s shoes just before the Warrior match at WrestleMania or the Undertaker match at Survivor Series, what would you have done?

CB: Back then, Hogan probably wasn’t ready to pass the torch. I think Hogan kept wanting more and more money but once the well from the 1980s boom dried up and the steroids scandal hit, it was over. Hogan left for the greener pastures of WCW, and by greener I mean MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEYYYYYY. 

Hogan probably also thought he was bigger than WWF, that he could go anywhere and succeed. For a little while, he was right. In the long haul, he was obviously wrong because he came back numerous times and now is languishing in TNA while doing Rent-A-Center commercials. I fucking hate those. 

Just like Warrior, it’s another childhood hero of mine who has really gone awry in my mind now that I see how flawed he is. What’s your take on your childhood view of Hogan vs. today’s perspective?

KON: I guess that’s what it all boils down to. We could talk about the Mega Powers, steroids, the politics, the nWo, the yappapi strap match, the  numerous WWE returns, the reality show, the tour of Australia with Flair, the TNA contract signing… but none of those things matter at this point. I’m sick of seeing him, sick of hearing about him, sick of all the news stories that come out…

It’s gonna sound weird, seeing as the guy hasn’t changed from his days with the AWA, but I guess I think of Hogan now as a different person than the guy who beat The Undertaker at This Tuesday in Texas. This old, broken, decrepit, lying, washed up guy on TV every Thursday isn’t an icon, an idol, or anything to be looked up to. As Sheik would put it: He’s not the Hulk Hogan, he is Hollywood blond piece of shit jabroni mother facker.

CB: Yeah, and I don’t know what’s sadder: Hogan being the way he is today; or the fact that people are still paying him to do stuff no matter how decrepit the whole things has become. 

Maybe Vince was right when he did this:

Or maybe it just seems right when applied to today’s version of Hulkamania…

KON: I dunno. That video still seems kinda hurtful. Vince didn’t give a shit about Hogan’s health, well-being, credibility or anything, he just wanted to take shots at two guys who left to make money.

What I was getting at with the last thing was, I guess,  what would you value Hulkamania at in terms of dollars?

CB: I’m sure Hulkamania is still worth millions without Hogan having to do anything, so it’s a shame that the people who get that money — Terry and his ex-wife Linda — are just going to waste it all away without adding anymore value to Hogan’s career or legacy.

KON: Is it worth that much though? Are the Hulkamaniacs from 20+ years ago going to be interested in buying an Immortal DVD set from TNA? Do they even tune into TNA? Hogan didn’t exactly have a huge, uh, impact on Impact’s ratings.

CB: How will you remember Hogan, taking everything into consideration?

KON: It’s hard to say how I’ll remember Hogan. If he kills TNA, I’m sure we’ll all remember that. If he were to die tomorrow, it’d be a shame that he never managed to realise what he’d been doing for the past 10 or so years. He was a man who had everything, and gave it all up for an extra 15mins in the spotlight.

CB: I agree with that KON … and that’s the shame of it all…

Thanks again for the chat.

KON: Thanks for taking part.

I think we uncovered the problem with this type of article. It’s fun to look back at the 80′s or early 90′s and talk about how good things were back then, but it would be incredibly hard to do one of these that doesn’t end with something along the lines of “it’s a shame.”

The business has changed over the years, and I guess an argument could be made that the stars of today won’t end up like Hogan, Flair or any of the other 80′s stars who continue to lead somewhat tragic lives. Maybe CB and I will discuss Cena when we’re in our 60′s, or maybe pro-wrestling will have been axed from all television stations by then, who knows?

I’ll tell you one thing though, I don’t think Terry Boulder would have said “I’ll still be wrestling in 30 years, brother!” before any of his matches in Shitsville, Alabama.

Welcome to whatever-the-fuck we’re going to call this. I’m Joined by CB today, and possibly over the next few weeks, to discuss old wrestlers and whatever relevance they may or may not have in the modern world of sports entertainment. Today, we tackle WARRIOR!

**SKRONK**

CB: Thanks for having me be a part of this KON. It’s strange being on the other side of these interviews, so I’ll do my best now that the questions are pointed in my direction.

KON: What did you think of The Ultimate Warrior back in the late 80′s/early 90′s?

CB: Back in the day, the Ultimate Warrior was my favourite WWF superstar. I loved when he beat Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania VI, and I hated when the Undertaker locked him into the airtight casket. I also was really freaked out by the Warrior segments with Jake the Snake back in the day, and the “never trust a snake” pay-off still sticks with me to this day.

I’m glad I was a kid back then, that I didn’t know any better about Warrior’s backstage politicking and shenanigans. No, back then the Ultimate Warrior could do no wrong in my book, and that was due to my own innocence at the time as a younger viewer.

KON: I was even younger than you would have been, so I missed out on the whole “who the fuck is this guy?” stuff and dropped straight into “a rocket ship straight up into space…” territory. Still, he wasn’t that strange compared to the rest of the roster at the time.

You mention politics. Did Warrior really get political? From what I’ve seen (and generally understand), Hogan didn’t want Warrior to get his spot. WWE’s The Self-Destruction Of The Ultimate Warrior tells a different story, but they also seem to rip on him for no real reason (like calling him insane for changing his name to Warrior when a lot of wrestlers back then did the same thing. It was one of the only ways stop Vince from owning the name).

CB: Yeah, I don’t know what to believe, but I’m just glad as a kid my mind wasn’t thinking like that. 

KON: It’s the only WWE DVD I’ve seen where they go out of their way to shit on someone. They even have an unwell looking Bobby “The Brain” Heenan take shots at the guy. They’ll be like “He was a fucking nut-job” and the next clip is about Warrior returning to work for them (which he did a few hundred times). If he was crazy and incredibly difficult to work with, why the fuck would Vince be like “James, here’s another two million”?

Warrior returned in ’92 to save Hoke Ogan from Sid and Papa Shango. Were you still like “Fuck yeah! FEEL THE POWER OF THE WARRIAAAAAAAAAH!” at this point?

CB: Nah, by 1992 I was over Warrior. I believe that was around the time where The Rockers were breaking up, so things were getting interesting with Shawn Michaels. 

KON: If Michaels was your cup of tea, you probably missed out on the monstrosity that was The Renegade over on WCW during the mid-90′s. They had about three guys do Warrior-like characters back then. Even Brutus (pre “Booty Man” gimmick) would run down and shake the ropes. Do you think WCW had tried to sign him by this point, possibly to boost Hogan’s popularity?

CB: It’s possible Warrior was on WCW’s radar. I mean, everyone from WWF was kind of given carte blanche over at Ted Turner’s rasslin’ company if they ended up signing on the dotted line. And Warrior did go to WCW at some point, making Brutus his Disciple and starting the One Warrior Nation! 

KON: But not before returning to the WWF again in 1996. Any thoughts on that fantastic run?

CB: Triple H is still stewing over that one, I believe. That second run was absolutely atrocious and ultimately pointless.

KON: 1996 also marked the release of the WARRIOR comic book, something that still gets a pop when quoted.

I see the comics as a bit of a cash-in. Warrior wasn’t getting Mania money or much of a cut from WWF merch by this point, so it’s like he decided to take it into his own hands.

I imagine the existence of WARRIOR as a comic helped him out during his first legal battle with Vince over the name/branding. The books themselves are very much in the style of Warrior’s promos and have that stereotypical 90′s look (ridiculously exaggerated muscles and whatnot) about them, but they really don’t have much in the way of plot. The series ran for less than a year, so it’s possible that they were just rushed out to give him the legal edge.

CB: I never actually saw the comic, but I’m sure he was a better artist than Jeff Hardy!

KON: The Sharp Brothers handled the art on the comic. They also worked on Warrior’s jacket and promos when he arrived in WCW during 1998…

I remember weird stuff. Hogan would see Warrior in the mirror and freak out, but no one else in the room would see it. The story was that Warrior was making Hogan crazy, but, considering everyone watching Nitro (including those in attendance) also seen Warrior, it was Hogan’s chums that ended up looking like idiots.

I remember really liking Warrior in WCW. The NWO had run its course by that point and they needed someone massive to beat Hogan. The pay-off, with the botched fireball, Horace going within 10′ of a ring, Brutus playing the role of Sandman’s son… I can’t say it was fantastic.

CB: Agreed. Warrior really faded from my view after that, regardless of all the crazy stuff he says today.

KON: Again, the WCW run could’ve just been to secure the name WARRIOR. The legal battle was still going in 1998 and both sides probably had to step up their game after that Nitro appearance.

When his WCW run ended, it was like he fell of the face of the earth. No cameos, no indy bookings, no more comics, nothing. It was 2006 or something before I found out he was doing “motivational seminars” at universities. That’s when the “queering doesn’t make the world work” thing popped up. I can see where he was coming from with the remark. Men and women need to fuck now and then to keep the human race afloat and whatnot, it’s true, but I find it strange that a wordsmith like Warrior would choose that particular phrasing.

CB: LOL, Warrior the wordsmith. 

KON: Well, we are talking about the guy who came up with “Destrucity”…

If you re-watch his old promos, or even re-watch stuff on youtube like his shoot on Hogan, you’ll see that Warrior is a man who chooses each word carefully.  I think the “queering doesn’t make the world work” video was the start of all the “Warrior is fucking insane” stuff on the internet. His long-winded WCW promos may have played a part, but those actually made sense in context.

When do you think the whole “Warrior is insane” thing started on the internets?

CB: 2006 sounds about right, when his website started.

Have you heard his shoots on Hogan, Hunter and Nash?

KON: The Hogan shoot seemed pretty legit. Hogan did an interview shortly after Savage died and said the two of them were close towards the end an a bunch of other shite. Savage blamed Hogan for the breakup with Elizabeth back in 1992 and it seems unlikely that he’d wait almost 20 years to bury the hatchet. Everything else in the video was almost common knowledge, apart from the story about Hogan’s (now ex) wife being whored out for drugs/money.

The Nash thing was strange. How many people have complained over the years about The Clique/NWO politics? Why would Nash decide to call out someone who wasn’t even involved with the business at that point?

CB: Yeah that’s a good question. Though my favourite shoot interview ever is Val Venis on Melina and Morrison. 

KON: I’d probably go with Cornette’s Youshoot.

I guess that’s another thing that separates Warrior from most other wrestlers though. If warrior feels like saying something, he just uploads to youtube. Scott Hall did the same for a while, as did Raven and a few others, but Warrior seems to be the only one updating on a regular basis. I guess he really has been good with his money, most guys from that “era” have about 40 shite RF interviews.

That reminds me… I was on www.warrioruniversity.com about a year or so ago and noticed a banner offering a “Free ring worn Warrior arm tassel with every purchase.” I thought “Fuck, that’s kinda sad. He must really need the cash.” Then I noticed that everything in the store was a collector’s item and sold for $500+.

Now he has this reality show coming up…

CB: I think Warrior’s show would be better if Scott Steiner was given an open mic every week. 

KON: Every show would be better with that!

I guess this is the point where I ask for your thoughts on a Warrior return, but I can’t see him going to TNA while Hogan is still breathing (no matter how often Sting says “it’s great here, buddy”). WWE might be an option, depending on where he and Vince stand. Warrior has appeared in two recent WWE videogames (Legends of Wrestlemania and All-Stars), so they must have some sort of working relationship.

CB: The closest Warrior will ever come to going back to WWE is if Howard Finkel turns heel again. 

I would love to see Warrior in TNA though, even if it was for one night only, so I can hear those magical words from my childhood one last time:

“Hogannnnnnnnn…”

One last note KON: Thanks for the talk. I will forever appreciate your lesson on Destrucity.

KON: Thank you for taking part, CB.

That about wraps things up for this instalment. If you can think of any wrestlers we should cover, just let me know in the comments.

If you’d like to take CB’s place in one of these, I suggest you meet him at Vasquez Rocks, California (bring a cannon).

TNA is woeful right now. Don’t get me wrong, RAW and Smackdown are horrible too, but Gunner, Crimson, Garrett and Matt Morgan don’t appear on those shows.

What happened? Even during 2010, a terrible year for the company, the show was watchable. Now we can’t even pay someone to recap their next PPV…

Flair and Hogan are no longer wrestling. That has to be a good thing, right?

In Flair’s book, To Be The Man, he talks about WCW ruining the name Ric Flair, ruining his connection with the fans and making him feel shitty about himself in general. He said he didn’t feel like Ric Flair again until facing HHH in a WWE ring. Ten years have passed, and it’s like the fucking circle of life or something, he’s gone through the motions. TNA made him a joke, so he went to WWE’s Hall of Fame and got the respect he deserved.

Flair is also far too old to be doing anything even remotely related to wrestling. This is slightly problematic, seeing as he can’t make money doing anything else at his age. He’s tried selling phone-calls, voicemails, skype “interviews” and all sorts of depressing stuff. If he bothered to learn a trade, invest any of his cash or just treat any of his wives with respect, he’d be sitting at home right now with a huge fucking grin on his face, laughing at the fact that Hogan is still pretending to be relevant in this day and age.

Remember that interview I did with CB? I talked about wrestlers being arse holes in real life, but being able to look past that when it came to watching them in the ring. I can’t do that with Flair, he’s like a senile old man wearing a Ric Flair costume.

I can’t do it with Hogan either. Hogan right now is an embarrassing, old, bald, porn making, Brutus shagging, backstabbing, bastard. Everything I hear about Hogan, or read, just makes me think less and less of him.

“Hey, Hogan was an arse hole back in the day too, what with all the politics and whatnot!”

Yeah, that’s true. As nice as it is to point out every now and then, it doesn’t make the good things that came out of it seem horrible, nor the bad seem worse. The NWO happened, the Sting build happened and we were all like “Fuck yeah!” at the time (we had yet to experience Hogan vs Sting or Hogan vs Sting II). Hogan may have stopped guys like Jericho and Guerrero from moving up the card, but we still got to see their matches. It’s not like every episode of NITRO consisted of nothing but The Nasty Boys, Brutus, Horace, whoever smuggled weed through the airport that week and Hulk himself.

Dixie often talks about all the shit Hogan does when he’s not at TV tapings. Do you think we’ll ever see the day when he just does that stuff?

I thought it was gonna happen in November, but during promotion for the UK Tour, Dixie said she hadn’t spoken to Hogan for “months.” Now he’s back and, much like Puffy in ’96, he’s all up in the studio, all up in the videos, dancing…

Hogan wouldn’t be able to argue with TNA if they did ask him to keep off TV, he needs all the money he can get right now. Linda owns 40% of Hulkamania, so it’s not like he can live off DVD sets and merch (which might be a blessing, as nobody wants to own a TNA DVD including Hogan’s matches with Flair and Sting last year). He’s not in a Sorensen situation, but  he’ll do whatever the higher-ups tell him to.

We need to convince TNA that Hogan is worthless. I’m not sure how to do that, seeing as their PPV buys are on par with ROH’s at the moment. We could turn over whenever Hogan shows his face, but this is TNA we’re talking about, you’d have no reason to turn back (unless you’re recapping).

Hogan often talks about “turning the company around, brother” during his meetings with the press. Imagine advertising your company like that. They, right now, are in the middle of a “storyline” where Hogan tuns the company around.

I can clearly see why the roster, bar ex-WWE guys, is mostly shite (Gunner, Crimson, Garrett…).You’d never see McMahon, Ace, JR., or whoever-the-fuck trying to reel in rising stars from the indies with lines like “Shit’s gonna get better soon, brother!” Who in the world is sitting at home right now, hoping that one day, if they play their cards right, they can end up in TNA?

Other shite Hogan and his chums have come up with to bring in more viewers include:

• Open Fight Night – It’s a work, brother.
• Living the gimmick - Because it worked out so well for Hogan and Flair
• Sanitizing the product - Who gets paid to come up with this stuff? WWE got massive hate on the internets for focusing on a PG market, why the fuck would they pick that aspect to copy?

Blood and strong language don’t necessarily make a show better, but the chance of either occurring gives them an edge WWE don’t have. What can they do now? The same thing they did years ago, focus on the X-Division. Austin Aries is worth 100 Bobby Roodes, 500 Meth Hardys, 1000 fifty-three-year-old Stings…

Let me tell you why Punk and Austin should stay as far away from each other as humanly possible:

1. Austin is old: He’s not like “mid-30′s, got a few years left in him” old, he’s 47. Why is this a problem? Cast your mind back to mid-’98 and think about how much WCW sucked because all of the big names were guys from decades gone-by. WWE may not have Hogan to fuck things up for everyone, but they have Hunter. They may not have Macho Man, Brutus, Virgil, Hacksaw or The Nasty Boys, but they do have Kane, Mark Henry,  Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, The Big Show, Booker T (who still has the odd match), Albert/Bernard/Tensai, Lesnar and (at some point) The Rock.
2. Repetition: Jericho is doing the whole temptation thing right now, do you really want to see the same shit twice? Think about Punk’s character. Think about Austin’s character. Do you really think these two would be angry at each other just because one of them drinks and the other doesn’t? Punk is more than just the straight-edge guy now, so would turning him back into a one note, militant straight-edge guy not be a waste of a few years?
3. Injuries: Austin’s neck, blah, blah, blah. Fuck his neck, it’s his knees I’m worried about. Austin’s metal knee-brace was ripping people up as far back as 2002. Assuming he can still run at this point, it will injure someone again.
4. Punk’s spot: Punk has been with WWE for six years right now. He’s held the WWE Title twice, his current run having started back in October of 2011. Does “the best in the world” honestly need the “rub” from an established name?

Honestly, this whole “let’s have today’s wrestlers take on those from when wrestling was good” mindset is kinda why WWE is so shite at the moment. Cena has had more title runs than Ric Flair, but he’s apparently worthless against a guy who left WWE back in the day over money disputes? Fuck that. Cena was depicted as Superman for about five years, beating almost everyone on the roster. Even if you don’t like the guy’s character, you must be able to see that having him lose to someone who hadn’t wrestled in ten years did nothing to show or improve the strength of the current roster.

What else did I miss out on?

Oh, the big thing about lumberjack matches and whatnot between Blair, Steven Gepp, Wombat and a bunch of other commenters.

Lumberjack matches have always hurt the roster, even (or especially) when the ring isn’t surrounded by humans. While the Cena and Brock, erm, stand-off thingy wasn’t a lumberjack match, the same rules apply. Remember when the NWO consisted of about 823 lower-card guys and they’d run in to protect Hogan all the time? It’s the same kind of thing there, nobody ever came out looking good. Why hurt the roster by having them all run down for Brock and Cena? C.R.E.A.M.

Lesnar was never a wrestling guy. He was never good at promos, he was never great in the ring and he was never, ever, interested in anything other than money.  Lesnar has returned due to 5,000,000 of Vince’s crispest bank notes. If almost everyone on the roster is getting paid 1/20th of that, do you really think McMahon was going to say “Let’s approach this like we do with the rest of our guys”?

Ralph Hardin thinks religion should play a bigger part in wresting.

Ralph is wrong for a number of reasons. Here are the one’s I’d deem “fairly noteworthy”:

1. A person (and therefore, a good character) has way more aspects to them than the fact that they praise a “higher power” (or several of them). As an Atheist, I really don’t want to watch a show where people are seen as good/evil based on religions views alone. If you look at the portrayal of homosexuals on television, their sexuality (or coming to terms with their sexuality) is always portrayed as a massive issue, as if all that character does from wake until sleep is worry about what other people think about where he puts his cock (or where she doesn’t let people put their cock). As Atheists are still seen as a minority, I’m sure their portrayal would be much the same.
2. Any sort of religious favouritism in this day and age would be problematic. Having a Christian face beating wrestlers with other religious views would lead to all sorts of bad things that I’m sure Vince doesn’t want to get into (particularly if the face has blond hair and ends up beating several Jewish guys in the Elimination Chamber)
3. Mythology is always more interesting than the people talking about it. The things a Priest/Minister/Vicar/Rabbi/etc. talks about are far more interesting than the Priest/Minister/Vicar/Rabbi/etc. alone.
4. All the good “satanic” heels had some supernatural abilities & you can’t really do the same with preachers without accusations of blasphemy. TNA did a thing last year where The Pope would heal sick people. Needless to say,  it died on its arse. While I (and I alone) think having a Rabbi raise a Golem in order to capture the title would be fucking amazing, nobody would buy it.

Mike Gojira took an in-depth look at John Cena’s progression since joining the company.

This one made me think about the history of wrestling as a whole.

We hear about Ric Flair’s numerous championship runs, but rarely about him being a heel/face at the time, nor the tactics he used to win/keep the belt. Flair’s sixty minute matches were remarkable back in the day, but they too have been neglected. Hulk Hogan is little more than a mass of revisionist history, but he still reminds people of why Hulk Hogan is Hulk Hogan. One of the many problems with The Rock’s return is that the ratio of “hey, he’s an actor” to “look how good he was in the ring” montages was ridiculous. I guess the DVD sets get into more of the legacy of the wrestlers, but the type of fans who buy them already know.

In ten years time, when a teenager is reading up on John Cena via wikipedia, he’s not going to think of him as a dick who outstayed his welcome.

Weird, innit?

Kyle Fitta played TRUE or FALSE with Joe Violet.

Not WWE related, but I’m going to talk about it anyway.

I usually prefer facts in my True or False questions, but it does kind of turn into Kyle trying to tell Joe that he’s wrong about everything. Assuming Kyle isn’t planning on turning it into a more general wrestling knowledge based thing that the commenters could take part in (and have the answers posted at the beginning of the next column)(in fact, don’t, I might use that idea at some point), he should maybe rename it to KYLE VS… and get into an actual debate. They could’ve spent way more time discussing the merits of Garrett Bischoff (or lack thereof). Either way, it’ll be interesting to see how the format grows (assuming the writer doesn’t get let-go).

Kyle also tried to open a column with a line like “pulse has rules, but fuck them”. I’m pretty sure the only rule we have is “tag your shit”. I got a “welcome pack” when I signed up and it mentioned something about adding a guy called Matt on Facebook, but I don’t think that was mandatory.

Joel Leonard covered how painful those three-hour RAW shows can be.

Do you remember when Monday Nitro made the jump from one hour to two? They were so happy about it. Tony or Bischoff would thank the fans for staying tuned, fireworks would go off at the hour mark and cheerleaders would do whatever it is they do.

Do you remember when Monday Nitro made the jump to three hours? It was absolutely fucking gash.

Vince remembers neither of these things, which is a shame.

Chris Sanders talked a little bit about Beth being hurt and Kharma’s return (whenever it may be).

AJ Lee should get the title in order to get back into mah boy D-Bry’s good books.

Kharma should take as much time as she needs to deal with what’s happened. I’m sure she’ll wreck the roster at some point, but it’s still early days.

If I’ve missed anyone’s column out, it’s because they covered Cena/Punk/Brock and I didn’t think repeating myself over and over would make for a good read.

News

Chikara and ROH did a thing this past weekend that one or two of you (literally) may have watched. Shane Douglas did another ECW Reunion show and all reports mention levels of awfulness the likes of which have never been seen (excluding the last time Shane ran one of these shows, or any time Shane has wrestled in the last 15 years). Other than that? I dunno, it has been quite hard to figure out things that legitimately happened during my absence. I think we need to start filtering out the kayfabe from the real news. Real news = things like Bagwell’s situation. Kayfabe, well, how about I take some news posts from last week and run them through the filter?

Kayfabe: Former WWE Diva’s Champion Addresses Injury & Plans For The Title

News: Beth is still under contract.

Kayfabe: AJ Lee Snaps on Natalya, WWE.com Interviews Her Moments After the Fact

News: WWE shills for the internet marks* fans.

Kayfabe: Ted DiBiase, Jr. Visits Children’s Hospital, Prays with Family

News: WWE still do charity work.

Kayfabe:  WWE Cuts Two Minutes from Zack Ryder’s YouTube Show, Ryder Speaks Out

News: I guess maybe the “real news” is that Ryder’s show is made by WWE. I’m sure a lot of us knew this already, but you do see the odd comment/article about how Ryder got himself over because WWE wouldn’t and whatnot. I’m pretty sure the only “Superstar” related online thingy not ran or proofread by WWE is Goldust’s twitter account (@ and get blocked at your own risk).

Rarely do you see a site that just posts “Sid has broken his ankle”, “Arn retires due to neck injury” or “Goldberg is out because he cut his arm up on a car window”. Maybe that’s because this isn’t the 90′s, or maybe that’s why we have things like CB’s Slant below the news updates themselves. Still, a non-kayfabe version of the news might make for a good twitter or tumblr.

*I hate the terms “mark”, “smark” and whatnot. I think they exist just to diminish whatever levels of enjoyment we find in televised wrestling. Terms like that lead to people holding back their real opinion and just writing about whatever/whomever is popular at the moment. Fuck that. Say what needs to be said, but say it in a way that people can understand.

Swayze recently called James Alsop a “fucking idiot” over something related to pro-wrestling. That’s a good example of saying something the wrong way. While a lot of people might happen to agree with Swayze’s views on pro-wrestling (gotta take it easy here, Alsop is my editor)(hi, James!), the fact remains that pro-wrestling opinions are not a good measure of intelligence. Swayze could’ve just said “I disagree” and not came out looking like the bad guy in the eyes of James (and some others). On the other hand, (again) this is all pro-wrestling related, real bad guys are murderers, rapists and bankers (hi, Blair!).

“Hypocrite! You called out a bunch of Pulse writers during Flatlining “

This is true.

The concept of that round-table was to show that we’re not a bunch of unreliable cynics. For the sake of what little integrity I had at the time, I simply couldn’t refute the allegation that some of the writers were unreliable. Not without doing more “politicking” than Hulk Hogan. “Integrity” might be a stretch, but I actually mean everything I say in these columns (and, by extension, the comments).

This has run way too long for a footnote.

“I began reading Pulse wrestling a few years back and became a fan of the “old guard” such as Mark and Wheeler. When mark left, I felt that there was a void that had not really been filled. The only consistent, reliable weekly article was Wheelers, and now he’s not doing that either. The “new guard” is erratic and unreliable, and the articles are usually snarky and overly cynical. They just don’t seem to like much, or if they do, they use a hammer when a feather will do. Simply put, Mark is an excellent writer whose articles appeared at the same time each week and you knew what you were going to get. This is not the case anymore.

And no, this was not directed to any one person, but the direction of the site as a whole.“

To combat the cynicism, I came up with the idea for a round-table where we, the pulse columnists, talk about five things we do enjoy in modern pro-wrestling.  Ten people said they’d be up for it and the deadline for submissions was set accordingly, only two submitted their ”five things” at the time of writing (four by the time I submitted this to be published).

Dropping the round-table idea and writing something else was an option, but we’ve had yet another death in the family (third since December) and I have better things to be doing than brainstorming ideas for a column nobody reads.  Cynicism?  Sure.  Some of the other Pulse writers already covered the unreliable aspect, so I guess this column is actually working towards proving that Jeff was right.  This thing had to happen, so I also roped in some of the “Fistpump Screening Room” crew…

Blair A. Douglas (of MyDaughtersFuckingHulkHogan.com) presents: Five Things

1. Laughing at women’s wrestling. Matches where you really don’t know who is going to win.

2. Huge crowd reactions: Not Shaemus or Mark Henry crowd reactions, ACTUALLY strong.

3. Coming onto sites like this to see people’s reaction to stuff: It’s always good entertainment. It’s insanely unpredictable to see how people react to things, Sometimes I think I know what it’ll be and it’s the exact opposite.

4. Actual wrestling matches: With little to no overbooking, just wrestling that actually gets a live crowd hypedup. Rare these days, but it happens.

5. Shaemus. The occasional REAL moment: Flair’s WWE retirement, a cool Hall of Fame induction, things like that.

It’s hard to disagree with any of that.

Mike Gojira’s Stomping Ground: Five Good Things

1. Audience Involvement: It’s one thing to watch a TV show or sporting event and get emotionally involved, but it’s a whole ‘nother story when the performers actively acknowledge the fans in attendance.  Whether it’s last Monday’s raucous Miami crowd or any time John Cena gets on the mic, it never ceases to amaze me how the spectators can actually affect the flow of a match or angle based solely on their reactions.  Look at what happened to guys like Zack Ryder and CM Punk in the past year.  Lame designations like calling us a “Universe” aside, when you’re at a live event there’s just nothing like it.

2. Emotional Roller Coasters: We know that most aspects of professional wrestling are scripted, but there’s no denying that the vast majority of performers are in this business to achieve a level of notoriety and respect from the fans and their peers.  That’s why it’s so pleasing to us when guys like Stone Cold Steve Austin and Eddie Guerrero finally get the push we clamor for because we know they put all their effort into what they do and we appreciate them for it.  The more of a fan you are of a particular wrestler, the more likely you’ll be hooked when that certain someone finally gets that big break.

3. Stealing the Show: Wrestling isn’t just about the characters or the storylines.  Wrestling is about the matches themselves.  We often overlook the fact that some guys are crazy enough to kill themselves over a bump just to pop the crowd, while others are limited by time constrictions, but one thing’s for sure: when two athletes who mesh well go out there and are given the opportunity to showcase their talents and tell a story in the ring, we’re all winners.

4. Nostalgia: Honestly, who DOESN’T get nostalgic for the days of yore when a wrestler from our youthful days makes an appearance?  It happened when The Rock first came back as a guest host.  It happened when Bret Hart made his big return to the WWE.  It happened when the Four Horsemen were inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame last week.  Nostalgia acts bring in the casual fan and the fans who left for greener pastures, as well as give the hardcore fans a reason to keep tuning in.

5. A Break From Reality: Two full-grown men wrestle one another in spandex under hot lights for twenty minutes over a gold-plated leather strap.  That may be an accurate description of gay porn (I don’t watch, so I’m not truly sure), but it also represents the gist of professional wrestling.  Sprinkle in a dose of hostile takeover by guys who are trying to overthrow a company that pays them to commit these heinous acts, add a dash of supernatural persona, and mix in a heaping spoonful of suspension of belief: that’s wrestling in a nutshell.  Why do we continue to watch the insanity?  It’s an escape from the mundane.

Gojira has broken it down to the essentials.  I’d say those are the reasons we watch wrestling in the first place.

5 thoughts on Pro Wrasslin’ from Hack Newbury (of Spinebuster.com)

1.WWE DVD releases.

2. I like that Daniel Bryan is adored by the fans.

3. We have lots of options on the indy scene. I don’t love any of them and actively dislike some, like current ROH, but, it’s good that there’s a tonne of choice out there.

4. Fit Finlay hitting the indys. While I haven’t seen much of his run outside of one match with Steen, he sounds like he’s pulling a run like James Gibson back in 2005.

5. iPPVs are a cool addition, but, I don’t quite think that companies have them put together right.

I miss Finlay. The “divas” division does too.

Rey Mundo’s Suspension of Disbelief: Five Things! Five Things! Five Things! Five Things! Five Things!

Heeeeere we go:

5. Randy Orton’s facial expressions: This man sells with his entire body, including his eyes, eyebrows, earlobes, femur, lymph nodes… They happen so quick that it’s incredible. Dig it.

4. Booker T’s old schoolisms: He said someone or other should be barred from ringside because they didn’t have a manager’s license. Loved it.

3. Mark Henry’s Improv: How is it that this man is a plodding “Read the cue cards, Mark.” promo guy, but when he’s yelling at opponents or fans he’s a master orator? Either way, I love it.

2. TNA: Because, God bless ‘em, they’re still trying.

1. Kelly Floyd.

Wait, what?

I can’t?

But have you seen her ra…

Oh, okay

1. The fact that, after being a fan for 25 years, I still have moments like at WrestleMania where I’m completely enveloped in what Hunter, Shawn, and ‘Taker were doing, and that, after The Rock got the three count I was literally shaking as I was trying to update Facebook and Twitter. I’m still a fan!

Not reasons I necessarily agree with (with the exception of Booker’s commentary and maybe the existence of TNA), but that’s Rey for you.

Five Things Swayze Likes About WWE Right Now

1. WWE is all into CM Punk.

2. WWE is giving up on Cena, finally.

3. Lesnar is all into being in WWE for at least a year.

4. Jericho seems to be getting back into his groove.

5. Everyone likes Bryan and nobody likes Shaemus.

Cheers, Swayze.

Steven Gepp’s View From Down Here: Five Positive Things About Pro-Wrestling

1. Austin Aries and CM Punk: Two wrestlers in the so-called “Big Two” who are straddling that line between old school wrestlers who can actually, you know, wrestle, and modern day sports entertainers, who can talk and get a crowd into whatever it is they are doing.

2. Daniel Bryan, the heel: He can wrestle, we all know that, but the fact he doesn’t have to, but can play the conniving heel who treats his girlfriend like crap, and yet still get his “Yes! Yes! Yes!” catchphrase over and have people cheering for him while being the dickish heel is just awesome.

3. Bobby Roode vs James Storm: From their days as one of my all-time favourite tag teams to their break- up, to the built for their match at Lockdown, this has been 6 months of quite compelling story-telling. Even with Roode being a little bland on the mic, his actions and his attitude against Storm’s anger have been great, and yet it has not been overdone. They are not fighting one another every episode of Impact, they are just building to this potentially great confrontation.

4. WWE’s video library: The amount of DVDs I am getting hold of that tell another part of the history of wrestling, covering matches from all over the USA and from so many periods of recent televisual history is quite scaring, when I consider how much it all costs here in Australia. But, dammit!, I am hooked. I just want to see history DVDs about wrestlers, promotions, times, whatever. I hang out for each new one.

5. Riot City Wrestling: Well, what can I say? Best independent wrestling I have seen, not just in Australia, but anywhere, with the best women’s matches I have seen in years. A mixture of everything, and while not perfect (what is?), still the best wrestling I normally see each month. Sure, the PPVs from TNA and WWE might have some good matches, but the RCW shows, in general are better shows.

Good stuff, Steven, I’ll have to take your word on Riot City though. Chikara has the best independent wrestling I’ve ever seen, but I’ve only seen two or three of their shows (mainly their King of Trios series, which you should all check out).

Five Opinion-Facts from DaveDubya (of Wrestling Facts) 

1. Lots of Canadians seem to be involved.

2. Cage matches.

3. Scott Stanford as the new Mean Gene.

4. Lance Storm’s World of Hurt.

5. William Regal.

Again, kind of hard to disagree with any of that.  Have you seen the trailer for Piper’s version of World of Hurt? Absolutely amazing.

CB’s Slant – Five Things I Like About WWE

When KON told me about this idea to share five things I like about WWE, well, it wasn’t really that hard for me to put a list together. After all, I feel like I keep a pretty even keel about the folks over at Titan Towers, and some folks recently reminded me that I am one of the most upbeat writers that Pulse currently hosts.

I will say that while the glass is nowhere near rose-colored all the time when it comes to my thoughts on WWE, I definitely feel like I generally try to focus on the positive when it is warranted. After all, why watch if I can’t find SOMETHING — or things — to like?

With that said, here goes nothin’!

1. Production Values: I’ve said this for years, and I’ll say it again: When it comes to production values, WWE will simply never be topped. Every pre-produced video package to promote a big match or accentuate a feud is done to perfection by “the guys in the truck” and the producers at headquarters. 

Case and point: The Miz’ WrestleMania 27 pre-entrance video package last year, to the tune of Diddy’s Hate Me Now, was absolutely amazing. The video highlighted Miz’ journey from the Real World to WWE Champion, and just made his WrestleMania moment feel even more special that it was.

Another example, of course, is my favorite WWE video package of all time, featuring the build to Undertaker vs. HBK II. It doesn’t get much better than that, as WWE has shown time and time again.

2. Zack Ryder: From the Chopping Block to the Mid Card: One thing about WWE is that every once in awhile, a guy can carve his own path that was never in the company’s original plans. Zack Ryder is the ultimate rags to riches story in WWE, and no matter how you feel about his currently storylines and/or his character progression, the fact that Ryder is still with WWE and firmly entrenched in the Mid Card is absolutely awesome and worth savoring. Santino Marella is another example of this, and I simply root for both Ryder and Santino as a result of their passion and willingness to entertain at all costs across all platforms.

3. Ricardo Rodriguez: Ricardo doesn’t get a ton of mentions lately since he’s been off the scene for a little while, but there is nothing that draws me into the WWE Universe more than a role player who steals every scene with just sheer brilliance. Ricardo is funny when he needs to be, pompous when he’s living vicariously through his employer Alberto Del Rio and on top of all that he takes some good bumps and sells other people’s finishers well. He is also Del Rio’s ultimate sacrificial lamb, yet he still remains loyal to ADR no matter how many times Ricardo is fed to the wolves on Del Rio’s behalf.

4. The Royal Rumble Match: We addressed this a few months ago during Royal Rumble season, but it’s worth mentioning that no singular gimmick match in WWE is better than the Royal Rumble match. I love that there is only one Rumble match per year and that it not only kicks off the Road to WrestleMania but also has an extremely important prize for the winner: a title shot on the biggest stage of them all. There are also always cool surprises in each Rumble match — The Cobra / Socko Connection this year, for example — and it’s just always a treat to watch the different portions of the match as they unfold, such as CM Punk’s mid-Rumble promos or Stone Cold going on a Stunner binge.

5. Make-A-Wish and Tribute to the Troops: The charitable side of WWE should not be ignored when discussing positive aspects of the company. Two big ways WWE gives back is by granting as many wishes as they can for the Make-A-Wish Foundation (thanks to John Cena granting more wishes than any other celebrity in the history of the Foundation) and by performing for military personnel every holiday season with their Tribute to the Troops event that has been broadcast on both U.S.-based military bases and other U.S. military stations around the world. You can’t deny how awesome that is for Vince McMahon and Co. to do things like this, and it’s something that really does stick with me as a huge feather of good will in WWE’s cap.

So, there you have it. I’m sure I could even name a few more, but that’s all I got this time around. 

Thanks KON for being such a gracious host.

Thank you, CB. Now it’s time for…

The Martyrshow: For Jeff, by KON (that’s me!)

1. Developed Characters: Santino Marella reminds me of a time when characters could be funny, yet still taken seriously as competitors. Think about that Santino vs Swagger match and ask yourself who you’d really rather see hold a mid-card belt: The guy who’s entertaining, gets a reaction every time he walks down and has a move-set and gimmick that sets him apart from the rest of the roster, or Swagger? David Otunga is another guy with an entertaining character right now.

Mah Boy D-Bry right here has the whole wife-beating thing, a catchphrase and his own sort of in-ring style. Everyone on the roster should have those kind of things that you can point out.

2. Shoot interviews: Not exactly wrestling, but things like the Bret vs Shawn DVD set and the Legends Round-tables are bridging the gap. Nostalgia might factor into my enjoyment of these, particularly the Youshoot series, but the Legends Round-table show WWE does can often be quite informative and cover stuff from the AWA, WCCW and other organisations that I didn’t have the option of watching at the time (mostly due to not being born).

3. Longevity: As much as I hate Michael Cole’s kayfabed account of the record books, it does have a tiny bit of truth to it. Shows don’t often run for 19 years, most of the time they get cancelled just as you get into them. For the writers and the creative team, having decades worth of story-lines that you can build upon, call back to, reference or just rehash, that must be amazing. Think about how many story-lines you’ve enjoyed over the years, then think about what you’d be reading and watching if Monday Night RAW had been cancelled after 6 months due to poor ratings.

4. Discussions: I watch RAW with a chat-room full of good people. The worse an angle/match is, the better the discussion usually is. I got back into WWE (after a roughly 8 year long hiatus) during the Wrestlemania 27 weekend and if it wasn’t for the people in the chat, I would’ve probably given up shortly afterwards. A lot of the time, the discussion will be a lot more entertaining than the show it’s self.

5. All of the other reasons mentioned: It’s kind of hard to come up with something that hasn’t been said already. Blair, CB, Dave,  Mike, Jack, Steven and Swayze all listed good things. Rey? Well, he listed things too. I’d like to thank the eight of them for taking part in this.

I’ll be taking a break for the next few weeks, but I’m sure you’ll find something else on Pulse that’s worth reading.

The Rock vs. John Cena

I am so happy / sad that Cena / Dwayne won last night.  The crowd were on their feet from the entrances onwards and cheered like the Road Warriors were in town.  My man John Cena / The Rock landed four finishers during this match and it still wasn’t enough for to get the victory, as the dastardly / awesome wrestler Brock Lesnar / The Miz ran down and destroyed The Rock with an F5 / whatever the fuck Miz does.  I think we’ll see a rematch somewhere down the road, maybe at SummerSlam.

Triple H vs. The Undertaker

At last, a Hell in a Cell match that makes sense.  The entrances took forever, but man, was it worth it.  WWE don’t have brawls like this any more / had this exact same brawl last year, and for good reason: these two men put their life on the line for their company every time they lace up a pair of boots / Vince couldn’t come up with anything.  You could see the veins popping on The Undertaker’s bald head as he tried to walk / received the 13th pedigree of the match.  I cant believe Shawn Michaels turned on HHH / super-kicked The Undertaker.  All I want to know is if Marc Calaway can walk / WWE are planning to do the same shit again next year.

Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos vs. Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres

Piss-break.

CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho

Now this was a match.  The best in the world proved himself tonight.  You could hear a pin drop as CM Punk / Chris Jericho soared through the air like a majestic eagle / thanksgiving turkey.  CM Punk showed that his fathers’ abuse of alcohol hasn’t affected him at all / has left him in need of a kidney transplant.  Forget Cena v Rock,  this was truly a match for the ages / proof that WWE can fuck anything up.

Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Sheamus

The Great White was on fire / an embarrassment tonight.  Mah Boy D-Bry right here needs to grow about a foot and learn how to powerslam / had an incredibly tough time carrying Fella through this.  AJ was hot / fucking useless here, but maybe we’ll get more of this “submissions expert and abusive husband runs rampage” storyline over the next few weeks (unless Nancy’s estate sues).

Cody Rhodes (c) vs. The Big Show

Big Show has finally won every title in the WWE / proved that weighing 500 pounds for any length of time will lead to heart failure.  Cody Rhodes might have been IC Champion for the past 8 months, but it wasn’t until tonight that he proved he can play with the big boys / who really gives a shit about the mid-card belts?

Randy Orton vs. Kane

This was pure filler.  Orton should have been facing Wade Barrett / part of the Team Teddy vs Team Ace match.

Team Teddy (Santino Marella (captain), R-Truth, Kofi Kingston, Zack Ryder, The Great Khali, and Booker T) (with Hornswoggle) vs. Team Johnny (David Otunga (captain), Mark Henry, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, The Miz, and Drew McIntyre) (with Vickie Guerrero)

What a cluster-fuck.  Khali appeared to help WWE sell merch in India,  but he really has no place in the ring.  Otunga was fucking glorious / woeful as usual here, showing that you don’t need to be able to wrestle in order to become a superstar / the only thing WWE do well these days are the comedic characters.  Santino was also ridiculously good / brain-numbingly pitiful.  Henry was working hurt and it showed, he needs a backstage role now in order to teach the younger guys everything he’s learned since ’96 / a fucking oxygen tank just to run the ropes.  Even though I can’t stand Ace / Teddy and the fact that his team won, it’s still better than the fucking iGM they had this time last year.

All in all, I thought this was way better than Wrestlemania XXVII, possibly the best in the last 10 years / proof that I’m not WWE’s target audience any more and that they won’t go back to the Attitude Era, no matter how many fanboys bitch and moan.

I’ll be hosting a round-table type thing with a large number of Pulse Wrestling writers next week.  The topic is positivity and the working title is For Jeff (Hardy, Jarrett, Farmer).  The above “article” might be cynicism defined, but I do actually like some of the things that happen on RAW/Smackdown/iMPACT.  We all do, otherwise we wouldn’t write for Pulse.

Thinking about using my template in your column?  Please deposit £4,896,046 into my Swiss bank account.

Think I’m generally wrong about everything?  You’re not the only one.

What the fuck am I writing about this week then?  ”Wrestling is Still Boring” was one idea, I’d just re-heat everything I said last week and serve it up with a side of sarcasm.  ”RAW is…” was what I named recaps when I was doing them on my own website, writing them almost put me in the hospital though.  I have a recap of Chyna’s Youshoot that I could probably get away with, but wordpress gives me grief every time I try to import it.  A fresh idea then?

Roughly 234098546238905489890342 years ago, the NWA had a group of characters called The Four Horsemen. Today, WWE have nothing like it.  Let’s make a stable!

OPTION ONE

Take Ziggler away from Vickie, maybe put her on SmackDown with Yoshi or something.  Ziggler is going to be our new Flair and work towards winning the WWE title.

Have Otunga re-team with Michael McGillicutty (under his real name, Joe Hennig) and give them back the tag titles.

Johnny Ace is gonna be our JJ Dillon here, so he’d need to lose this thing against Teddy at Mania and walk about for a few weeks in order to build this team.

We still need a Tully type guy to go for the US/IC belt and I don’t want this to become Nexus 2328342498, so The Miz will do.

Obviously, it’s a heel stable and they’d need some good faces to work against, but that’s Vince’s problem.  The only flaw I can see is that they have no mouthpiece.  Ace can’t cut promos, Ziggler hasn’t been given many opportunities to speak thus far, Hennig and Otunga aren’t intimidating if they’re going after the belts nobody wants and The Miz is just iffy.  They have him do other TV shows and lots of interviews, but he’s a smug bastard and that’s just not the type of feeling a group like this need to put across.

OPTION TWO

Our JJ Dillon will be Arn Anderson, WWE have him on the payroll and he’s still able to cut promos.

Alberto Del Rio already has the limousine riding, jet-flying thing down and he has the ring skills, so he’s an obvious Flair.

Ted DiBiase is still employed.  He can grow a beard, chase the mid-card belt and basically play his father’s character.

Tag Team?  Our Arn and Tully will be Husky Harris and Joe Hennig.  A repeat for Hennig, sure, but this is the role he was born to play.  Both ex-Nexus guys again, but both of them have Horsemen blood running through their veins.

Problems?  This might be the best option of the four.

OPTION THREE

William Regal is our JJ type guy.  This makes so much fucking sense and needs to actually happen at some point (even if it’s just on NXT).

Mason Ryan and Drew McIntyre are our Tag Team.  Drew needs to win some matches and this would be a good way of having that happen.

Flair? Gotta be Wade Barrett.  Some people like him, or so I hear.  His feud with Orton kinda whimpered out due to injuries, so this would give him another shot at the main event.

Our not-so-great-title chaser?  Layla.  SWERVE! Yeah, she’s the only other Brit on the WWE payroll and, if you haven’t noticed already, this will be a British version of the horsemen.  I’m not ripping off WWE 12 here, I know Shaemus isn’t from the United fucking Kingdom.

Problems? Well it has a “Diva” instead of someone WWE actually give a shit about, but DX kinda worked as a 90′s take on The Horsemen.  You had New Age Outlaws with the Tag belts, X-Pac with the European championship, HHH with the IC/WWF belt and Chyna with, well, didn’t they give her the IC belt at one point?  Even the first incarnation had Shawn as Flair, Rude as JJ, HHH as Tully and Chyna with a clit bigger than her ego.

OPTION FOUR

Christian would be our Flair in this version.  He could do with another title run.

Our Tag Title holders will be Jimmy and Jey Uso.  Primo & Epico won the belts at a house show, so why can’t The Usos?

The IC champ will be Cody Rhodes, he’s had the belt for eight months or something now.

The JJ of this group would be Edge.  It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it would be a way to keep Edge on the payroll and save us all from a string of shite buddy-cop movies.

The problems?  This one is easy to throw together due to the use of existing champs and alliances, just have them all meet up backstage one night and start talking.

They don’t even need a horsemen calibre group, it’s not like that have anyone with Flair’s mic skills under contract anyway. Everyone is so fucking bland right now, just hints of personality will do. Vickie’s team would be fine if Ziggler had beat Punk for the title back in January…  I’m starting to approach territory already covered by Ralph Hardin, so I guess it’s time to call it a day.  Probably for the best too, as my deadline is roughly an hour and I still need to proofread this.

Like my choices?  Say so in the comments and inflate my already massive ego.

Think you could do better?  Post your own ideas for a new version of The Horsemen/DX/INSERT_STABLE_HERE and maybe we’ll get a little discussion going.

It’s not as harsh as the original, yet not as mellow as “+ on + on”. I’ve thrown in some of the stuff they use live, but I couldn’t find a good place for Bon Jovi.

I kinda prefer the second half to the first, but that might just be me.