It’s quite easy to program, so here’s what i’ve done so far:

What?

Starcade?

Scott Keith didn’t like it either? Damn.

Keith is in his own little world (one where stars appear to be in incredibly short supply) so I guess I’ll have to respond to Starcade…

STARCADE: WWE has to fire at least half this roster. AT LEAST.

Why? Cutting talent isn’t going to solve booking problems. Do you honestly think getting rid of (glorious) Otunga is going to make Smackdown an entertaining show?

STARCADE: VKM did say he wanted results or resignations. He hasn’t had the results week to week. The part-timers have saved his ass for three Wrestlemanias now.

The part-timers may have been responsible for high buy-rates (well, the jury is still out on Lesnar), but that’s because they’ve spent an incredible amount of time focusing on these pensioners and coming up with things for them to do…

JERICHO

Dolph and Punk had a short, awkwardly put together feud back in 2012 and fought each other on only one PPV (Royal Rumble). Jericho returned shortly after and started s feud with Punk that would peak at Wrestlemania. Had Ziggler v Punk continued (with Dolph doing everything Jericho did during the feud), they would’ve elevated Ziggler to a level where people would have been willing to take him seriously. Jericho feuded with Ziggler later on in the year, but nobody came out looking good because Jericho had won roughly 2 matches during that comeback.

To sum it up, Jericho’s 2012 return achieved nothing. His 2013 return might be more fruitful, but it’s way too early to tell what’s going happen with Fandango.

BROCK and HHH

Brock Lesnar returned and faced Cena at Extreme Rules. Cena won, so that was a waste of a month, right?

I can see the viewpoint that Cena had been beaten by The Rock and having him lose to Brock would have made him look bad, but this is Cena we’re talking about. Cena, much like Orton, doesn’t need to win every match in order to maintain his fanbase. Having Cena lose twice in a row would’ve actually turned him into the underdog and let to some actual character development, so his fans would’ve been behind him even more.

Lesnar went on to feud with HHH, culminating in a No DQ match at Summerslam. HHH isn’t even a full-time wrestler, so this feud benefited no-one.

Starting the end of January, WWE spent a lot of time on what would become HHH vs Lesnar 2, a match that elevated nothing but Vince’s ego.

Del Rio’s heel run would’ve benefited incredibly from that arm-breaker gimmick. Shit, Angle’s serious beast-run back in the day was all about breaking limbs and it transformed the character so much that he’s still trying to be that guy in TNA.

That’s two part-timers (three, if we count HHH) so far who’ve taken up a lot of time over the past year to the detriment of the entire roster. They might have helped the full-timers get a nice Mania bonus, but they’ve done nothing to make us give a shit about any of the people who actually work house-shows.

THE UNDERTAKER

Punk’s shenanigans with the urn is one of the few memorable things about his run as a  heel. He lost the match and really has nothing left to do now, but it was character development.

Taker might be teaming with Daniel Bryan and Kane at Extreme Rules this year, and either muh boy D-Bry is going to come out of it looking good or The Shield are going to come out of it looking fantastic.

Bonus points for The Undertaker then, even with his ever-decreasing levels of in-ring ability.

ROCKY M.I.A. VIA SATELLITE

The Rock beat Cena, appointed himself #1 contender and fucked off. He returned at Rumble 2013 and ended CM Punk’s 400+ day title run (completely wasting what would’ve been considered a great feat, had anyone else done it). Rock then fucked off for another two months and the people, who he claims to represent, attended house shows that featured no WWE champion.

Twice in a Lifetime (soon to be promoted as Third Time’s a Charm) happened and Cena, who we’ve already established doesn’t need constant wins or a shiny metal prop in order to maintain his fanbase, became an eleven-time WWE Champion.

By my count, that makes 4 part-timers who’ve done nothing but chew scenery over the last 12 months.

I’m not saying these guys didn’t have enjoyable matches, nor that they didn’t bring in an audience that might not have watched without them, but every moment the creative team wasted on those four would’ve been better spent trying to develop the characters of people they already had on the books.

Did you know that WWE was trying to put together a 10-Woman match for Mania that would’ve predominantly featured “Divas” from yesteryear? Contract negotiations fell apart and only The Bellas ended up re-signing, but Vince and friends actually thought it was a better idea than AJ vs Kaitlyn, a feud which had been building for 12 months (and was thrown away on RAW).

STARCADE: This crowd shit all over the product, and probably felt they had the right to do so!

If you prick them, do they not bleed?

STARCADE: The WWE has to start knowing that crowds like this are abjectly shitting all over not only the product, but the entire hierarchy of the WWE.

Exactly, they’re tired of eating the same bland, tasteless sandwich that they’ve eaten every day for the last few years.

STARCADE: For just ONE example, of what use is pushing the Wrestlemania match you bumped off the card to RAW when the match is over in ONE STINKING MINUTE. At this point, I’d almost be for cutting everybody in the match (since they are of no real use), except for possibly Cody, sending him to NXT as Dusty’s son to see if he can get over in Florida.

It has been widely publicized that RAW was re-written and re-shaped at zero hour due to Rock’s departure (and I’ve heard from various places that HHH didn’t want to work in front of that crowd), so I’m guessing Tensai, Funk, The Funkettes, Cody, Lanny Poffo and The Bellas were victims of the re-write. Cody quit Twitter after the Mania match was dropped (even though they were still promoting it that day), so that might have something to do with it as well.

You’re saying that these people should be fired because a part-timer fucked them out of their spot on the Mania (and possibly RAW as well) card. Think about it.

STARCADE: Scott and the like can crap all over RAW – this is the best you’re getting with this crew. Rock and Punk were both out with injuries, probably leaving Brock with nothing to do.

This episode of RAW featured Big E winning his first singles match, Ziggler cashing in and winning the WHC, Miz losing the IC title, Ryback flattening Cena and The Undertaker teaming up with Daniel Bryan. If that’s the best WWE can do, I look forward to seeing their best every week.

STARCADE: You better at least explain how this roster, with these people, is going to put on a palatable product.

Ball’s in your court on that one. This roster has had three years to try.

In 1999, WWE had Roaddog, Billy Gunn, D’Lo Brown, a British Bulldog that couldn’t walk, The Road Warriors, Mark Henry, Dan “The Beast” Severn, Val Venis, Goldust, Blue Meanie, Al Snow, The Headbangers, Steve Blackman, Droz, Bradshaw, Big Boss Man, Test, Mideon, Viscera, Gangrel, Pete Gas, Rodney, Joey Abs, Jeff Jarrett, Brian “Too Sexy” Christopher and Scott “Too Hot” Taylor on the books.

How many of them could have went an hour with Ric Flair?

How many of them wrestled anything above a 3-star match?

They were still memorable characters though. The majority of them had their own look and catchphrases, their own allegiances and whatnot.

If I (and just about everyone else reading this) can tell you more about Jeff Jarrett’s character during 98-99 than I can about Antonio Cesaro from 2012-2013, the talent can’t be the problem.

If they stop hiring people we cared about 10 years ago and actually do something to make us care about the people they have today, the problem will be resolved.

STARCADE: What you saw last night was the culmination of three years of the Universe having had enough with the Raw-to-Raw product.

Tired of the same matches, the same stories, the same conclusions, the same fifteen minute promos…

I’d like to point out something about the Orton vs Fella match that nobody seems to have noticed. I’ve seen a lot of people say “the crowd went into business for themselves” and act like it was a bad thing, but you have to re-watch and take a look at Randy.

Orton has been yearning for a heel turn for well over six months now. He’s been making rude gestures towards the crowd, shouting Steiner-esque dirge at them and, as I noticed during RAW, changing the way he wrestles.

If you’re a face and get boos during a match for performing a sleeper, you try to avoid that move from then onward. Orton worked a slow-paced match with a lot of rest-holds despite the crowd cheering for everything but what was going on in the ring. I’m sure some of it can be attributed to “the main-event style”, but let’s not forget that half of Fella’s repertoire consists of running attacks and power moves. The match had almost grinded to a halt by the time Big Show’s music hit, and the crowd rightfully thanked him for injecting some action into the snooze-fest.

I might have to re-watch some pre-mania Orton stuff now and find out how long he’s been actively trying to get heat, but I thought it was worth pointing out (and it was actually the main reason I wrote this column).

They didn’t have a fancy term to describe his fans back then. He didn’t have “Warriors” or “Hulkamaniacs”, just “people”. The “people’s champion” would come to the “people’s arena” and defend the “people’s championship” in “the people’s ring” on “the people’s show” via “the people’s elbow”. Every week, The Rock would finally come back to a town and promise to kick some candy-asses, or other flavours, and then he’d raise the “people’s eyebrow”.

Smackdown launched in April of 1999.

Hulk Hogan won the WWF Heavyweight Championship at the start of 1984. For the next 8 years or so, he’d talk about the Hulkamaniacs, Hulkamania running wild, eating vitamins, saying prayers… He’d rip his shirt, flex his muscles, point his finger at whoever the opponent was and then start shaking his head… In 1994, Hogan jumped ship and appeared on WCW. Naturally, after seeing Hogan’s popularity drop on their rival’s show, WCW decided to build everything around him and have The Hulkster come out in the in the same old red and yellow gear, with the same catch-praises, the same shirt-ripping promos, the same finger-pointing and head-shaking that people had been seeing for 10 years. WCW’s biggest stars at the time (Sting, Vader, Flair) were jobbed out in order to showcase the man who made Santa With Muscles and Mr. Nanny. WCW were so obsessed with milking what was left of Hogan’s popularity that they wasted (and ended up losing) under-card guys like Mick Foley, Steve Austin and Triple H while forcing Brutus and The Nasty Boys on an unwilling audience.

Thank fuck The Rock doesn’t have an entourage, eh?

Wait, What?

The Usos? Roman Reigns? Camacho?

Right, i’ve got two serious questions for you now:

1. Do the Anoaʻi family have disturbing pictures of Vince in a safety deposit box somewhere?
2. Taking into account all the family members that WWE hired and actually pushed, why the fuck was Meng relegated to episodes of Sunday Night Heat?

The Rock was always fantastic at taking bumps and selling though, and that’s something Hogan wasn’t all that into. After he shakes off the “ring-rust” (and figures out what cardio means), lets hope he makes someone look amazing.

Imagine what a WWE app would be like. Not what you’d want a WWE app to be like, just what you’d expect 2013 WWE to put out.

Got it? That’s exactly what the wwe app is.

The app was designed and developed by Bottle Rocket, so all you Wes Anderson fans are gonna eat it up like it was Bill Murray’s shit after a three-day tequila bender.

It has five sections:

1. Active – where votes can be cast on such meaningful topics as “Who should Brad Maddox blame for the shield attacking him? (vote A for Brad Maddox, B for Paul Heyman)”and “Is CM Punk a more dangerous competitor with or without the WWE Title?”. Strangely, option two on the punk poll is “Not holding the WWE Title makes Punk hungry…”. Nice of them to drop some terms in with the fan exploitation, but really? Yoshi Tatsu, that guy is hungry. Justin Gabriel, he’s hungry… I’m about to go off on one here, so lets move on to tab two.
2. Breaking News – This is where kayfabe lives.
3. RAW – Here you get snippets from RAW. It’s quite handy, as some of these clips tend to be blocked on youtube for non-Americans. One hidden gem is a backstage interview in which Josh Mathews tells Kaitlyn that he’s about to furiously masturbate to her latest Divas Focus photospread.
4. Smackdown – See RAW.
5. My Universe – The social interaction side of the app. This is where you can log in with your twitter or facebook (but not Tout, at least not on the android version I’m using) and discuss such hot topics as “Is Mark Henry gonna hurt himself?” and “Did he just hurt Rey Mysterio?”. Certain tweets will be selected from this section and dropped into Active, for all to see. Well, that’s the idea, but all of the tweets in Active come across so “marky” that they can’t have been written by anyone other than the marketing department (excluding one gem from Kaitlyn, which implied Mark Henry is a rapist).

The best thing about the app is that it switches over to a live feed during the commercial breaks. I discovered this during D-Bry vs Mysterio and the stuff during those 3mins was better than the televised parts of the match.

Press the menu button on your phone and you’ll be able to access a few more sections, such as Superstars:

It starts out with a list of the current champions and everything seems fine, but then you scroll down to the roster list…

Abdullah The Butcher

AJ Lee

Akeem

RAW would be a whole lot better if Abdullah was getting Hep C on everyone for the opening 15 mins. Sadly, it turns out to be a list of almost everyone who’s ever worked for WWE (or promotions that WWE now own the rights to). While the list includes the woman-killing Jimmy Snuka, it excludes Chris Benoit (who killed, uh, Woman). While it includes the wife-beating Steve Austin, it- no, wait, it does include most of the Hart family.

It has a link to the WWE’s shop website, and a PPV section that crashes the app whenever I try to access it, but that’s about everything.  Download at your own risk*.

*KON is not responsible for any damage to your mental well-being that this app may cause.

BEST NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR

 Brock quits via Tout

Good job working those “internet marks”, Vince.

**rolls eyes**

BEST STORYLINE OF THE YEAR

The Continuing Adventures of Team Hell No

Kane’s going to Disneyland!

BEST PROMO OF THE YEAR

Colt Cabana and Adam Pearce Telling the NWA to Fuck the Fuck Off

I’m not even a Colt fan, but come on.

MATCH OF THE YEAR

Lord Tensai vs Alex Riley (RAW on the 2nd of April)

Have you seen Alex Riley since?

BEST INDY PROMOTION

Chikara

Three words: King of Trios

BEST SPECIAL EVENT OF THE YEAR

WWE Tribute to the Troops

Regardless of the political motivation behind this, it’s one of the few good things WWE do. I still wish Cap came out and sung about bonds.

BEST TV SHOW

Spike’s Short-Lived Pre-Impact Impact Recap Show

It lasted an hour and managed to cover everything that happened on Impact the week before, but without making me want to dive down an open elevator shaft with a pogo stick rammed up my arse.

MOST IMPROVED

Dolph Ziggler

The guy learned to talk over the past year, you can’t argue with that.

BEST NON-WRESTLING PERSONALITY

JBL

Commentary got a whole lot better when Lawler had that heart attack.

FEMALE WRESTLER OF THE YEAR

AJ Lee

Blair is slowly searching for a shotgun right now, but how the fuck can it not be AJ? The two “highest profile” uh, wimmins in “sports entertainment” right now are Brooke Hogan and this girl, so I don’t exactly have a wide range to choose from.

WRESTLER OF THE YEAR

Muh Boy D-Bry Right Here

Facial hair came back to wresting in a big way this year (Sandow, Cody-tache, etc.) and nobody is rocking a better chin-warmer than this guy. I assure you, the beard alone could have 5-star matches with the likes of Great Khali.

Ten thoughts on the Monday 17th episode of RAW

1. Who the fuck are the faces on this show?

2. Ryblack is really short

3. Dreamer’s still hardcore

4. #ShutTheFuckUpLawler

5. Ryback de-push is lol-ing worldwide

6. How do you learn to fall off a 20 foot ladder?

7. Mmmmeeeeeeeean

8. Wooooooooooooooooooooo

9. Bahgawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd

10. Gene!

Final Resolution and TLC

Man, shit was tough over the past month. Even CB, the guy who loves everything, was posting shit like “I will stand this no more, motherfuckers, the line must be drawn!”.

With real life giving us tropical storms, floods, school shootings and various other horrible things, WWE and TNA really needed to provide us with an entertaining distraction. TNA provided us with Daniels vs AJ XXXVIII and Bully Ray fucking Brooke Hogan. WWE’s TLC featured some good booking. That Ziggler win? That Shield win? That Sheamus loss? Best PPV since the last time I said “best PPV”.

Year-end awards thingy

I have an apology to make: The following is lifted almost 100% from Gojira’s end of year thingy that absolutely nobody read or commented on.

Wait, what?

Alright, maybe he got a few comments.

41?

Damn.

I got shot in the face one time, got like 2 comments…

In any case, it’s the end of the year and 2012, for better or worse, was 12 months. Last year, Gojira presented The Biggest Hiccups of 2011, so logically it’s time once again for a meaningless award show. Besides, the pointless Slammys have already taken place.

This time, however, Gojira was focusing on multiple categories. It’s certainly more ambitious and he’s actually quite proud of what he cobbled together, so you’d better cast your votes this year in his comments section! His awards are WWE-only, since he rarely watches TNA (but he follows all the reports), I, on the other hand, hate both promotions equally.

Best New Superstar: Chavo Guerrero

This young Chavo guy, where the fuck did he come from? Would you believe he’s actually related to Eddie? Its not like Tenay told me that either, I had to google for hours just to find out.

For those of you that watch other shows than Impact, you might have seen this rising star on Ring Ka King back at the start of the year. It’s truly amazing that TNA managed to find such a talented individual as this and pluck him out of obscurity. Chavo had an astonishing debut and has went on to win the TNA Tag Team Title with some other guy they threw together because TNA are racist morons, but don’t let that put you off. I predict big things in this young man’s future

Match of the Year: Melina Vs Alicia Fox

ALL YEARS!

Workhorse of the Year: Sheamus

Sheamus won the Royal Rumble back in January  and was thrust into the main event scene about two months (and 8 matches against Jinder Mahal) later. Many believe in the Celtic Warrior so much that they’ve even went on record calling him “the next Cena”. One former Pulse columnist even went as far as saying “He’s been consistent since WrestleMania”. Indeed, Fella looked incredibly strong after his win within 18 seconds that night, and he’s been fantastic in the opening 18 seconds of every match since.

Most Entertaining Angle:
Kurt (with Karen coming in a close second)

This was a tough one, but Karen has been off our screens for quite some time. If Eric puts enough work in, he might find himself winning the award in 2013.

Biggest Disappointment: WWE Legends House

The plan was to have a Real World kind of show featuring crazy wrestlers from yesteryear. When the WWE Network was shelved, so was the show. SyFy were all set to air it at the start of April, but the program pulled a Scott Hall and now nobody will get to see Piper screaming about burnt waffles.

Biggest Surprise: The Ryback not smashing a car window with his elbow

With the NWO Shield all up in his business the past few weeks, we really should have seen this by now.

The “Not-So-Creative” Award: The Ryback

Brodus Clay made his début on the January 9^th episode of RAW, squashing whoever the fuck WWE decided to put him in the ring with.

Lord Tensai made his début on the April 2^nd episode of RAW, squashing whoever the fuck WWE decided to put him in the ring with.

The Ryback made his début on the April 6^th episode of Smackdown, but nobody was watching, so we’ll call it April 9^th instead.

Pattern, motherfucker, do you see it?

Book a new guy in a squash match again, motherfucker, I double-dare ya!

So after doing the same thing as the other two for a few months, he went on to repeat other events and eventually whole storylines. He was last seen losing 3 PPVs in a row.

So those are the winners for the 2012 Goji Whatever I’m Calling This Awards. Vote for your choices in the comments below and I’ll get some shit from Goj for ripping him off wholesale. Ah, the joys of Gojira stretching out a one-note column to two weeks worth of work. Gotta love the holidays!

So long, and thanks thanks for reading this pish.

Wrestling isn’t all that interesting at the moment. All “news” appears to be nothing more than PR, and that’s a part of what makes keeping up more of a chore than anything else. Sites like this exist as part of a hype machine. The more we tell you about CM Punk or The Ryback, the more likely you are to care. That’s kinda obvious, right? Every time a “press release” is sent out, we spread the word and more people caring about what’s happening = more hits. Covering shows is also part of that hype machine. The shows themselves exist to sell PPVs (and merch, which i’ll get into later), or at least they did back in the day (hello, TNA).

So when the news is PR hype and the shows are an extension of the PR hype, Where’s the fun? Where’s the actual discussion?

/wooo/ is home to ample amounts of fun and discussion. I’ve been feeding Blair A. Douglas pics from /wooo/ to use in some of his columns recently, so you should know the type of fun that place is home to. It’s not all TNA Bingo though, they have discussions on all aspects of wresting and they could talk about Chikara until the cows come home (or at least until the thread auto-sages). While the wrestling board is safe for work, other sections are not. User discretion is advised.

Twitter! It’s not just a PR machine, it’s also home to guys like Chill Mascaras, who’ll join you in laughing at the worst the TV shows have to offer, and cheering when something actually good happens. Most of the Pulse writers pimp their twitter handles in their own columns (you can find my one in the little “about me” blurb below), so follow them and ease the pain of these three hour RAW shows. As if that wasn’t enough, twitter is also home to some great parody accounts like @NotTripleH, @twistofweight, @SchiavoneTony,@WWE_Creative and @CrankyVince. If you’re not following those already, you’re doing yourself a disservice.

The Pro Wrestling Sleaze List is an archive of wild rumors that I head back to now and then, either for a laugh or to research. A lot of it should be taken with a pinch of salt, but where there’s smoke… Raven and Honky Tonk covered a lot of these during Face Off 1 from RF Video. I don’t normally recommend RF’s stuff because they put minimal effort into what they release (shite video/audio quality, editing with fucking jump cuts while someone is talking and, worst of all, the fact that they just say “tell us about x” rather than ask any real questions, so you’ll hear the same shit again and again), but HTM and Raven’s stories make up for RF’s shiteness.

This collection of WCW related excerpts from the Observer is just ridiculous. If you’re feeling like shit after watching Meth Hardy defend the title on Impact, just remember the following:

“In this weeks edition of the sins coming home to roost, Nitro drew only 3,818 paid to the 16,483-seat Miami Arena for the fourth Anniversary of Nitro. In honor of it being the fourth anniversary, WCW put on a show that when it was over, made you feel like you’d been watching this show alone for about two years. Suffice to say, it was one of the worst Nitros ever. The fans watching the show were like those Pom Pom girls in the Starburst commercial whose football players got beat up by the other school’s mascot” - The Wrestling Observer Newsletter: August 13, 1999

If you can think of any other sites that lighten the burden of wrestling fandom, drop them in the comments and we can all make this a little more bearable.

In other news…

The NWA “politicked” themselves out of having a champion people give a shit about. With Pearce and Cabana out of the picture, they deiced to put the belt on ____. Yeah, I don’t know who the fuck this guy is, he doesn’t even have a wikipedia page.

Bound For Glory happened: It was pitiful. The writers shat all over six months of booking in order to leech off of another company’s past success as Meth Hardy lifted the title.

Hell In A Cell happened: Fella lost, Cena was nowhere to be found and they actually used the cell during the main event. Those three things alone make it WWE’s PPV of the year.

WWE ’13 was released, and relies heavily on the Attitude Era (which now appears to be a legitimate WWE PR term). Roughly half the roster is comprised of guys from the late 90′s (including 3 Triple H’s, so you can now have yourself a Two out of Three H’s match). The actual gameplay has been polished  from last year, but it’s basically WWE ’12 with Attitude guys and working online features (you can actually use community creations this year). As per usual, THQ have decided to milk their audience by releasing current “superstars” as DLC. I’m seriously doubting that Tensai will still be under contract by the time he’s available to download, but the main problem with this strategy is that The Ryback, who headlined a PPV less than a week before the game was released, won’t be available until December. Same thing with AJ Lee, who WWE are currently using to get Cena over with the comic book/gamer crowd. Other problems include: The RAW set being out-of-date, Jerry Lawler’s commentary being abysmal and the fact that none of the six Cena attires in the game are the Rise Above Cancer shirt that he’s been wearing for the past few months as part of this Komen thing…

Last Monday on RAW, the whole WWE roster (well, the “important” characters) stood on the entrance ramp as John Cena unveiled a cheque for the sum of $1,000,000. The “whole company” was out to show support for “the cause” they had been pushing over the last few months. What was the cause? It wasn’t breast cancer research, it wasn’t breast cancer treatment, it wasn’t even regular cancer research… (it was more to do with Linda’s political positioning and tax refunds, but read on anyway).

Of the $1,000,000 WWE are donating (from profits made from Cena merch), roughly $150,000 will go towards finding a cure. Susan G. Komen For The Cure spends 15% of their income on actually finding a cure. Why should you give a shit? Well, reason one is that the people buying the merch have clearly been duped.

Reason number two is that in the 2009/2010 financial year, Susan G. Komen for the cure spent $75.4 million (20.9 percent of its total income) on research. By comparison,  Cancer Research UK, a British, uh, cancer research charity, spent £332,000,000 ($535,018,000)(69% of total income) on research during the following financial year.

Reason number three is that you would think finding a cure for cancer would be the ultimate goal and that a non-profit would not sue another over using the words “for the cure”, but the Komen organisation spend quite a lot of money hassling other charities for that very reason. They’ve legally threatened over 100 at the time of writing. It gets worse though: On top of pursuing anyone who uses “for the cure” in relation to, uh, finding a cure, they’ve also threatened others over the use of the colour pink in conjunction with cancer.

The official line from the Komen organisation is that “The foundation protects its trademarks as a matter of financial stewardship and that the group wants to avoid confusion. A mix-up could mean a sizable donation, landing on another charity’s books.” because heaven forbid someone should donate to another charity looking for a cure for cancer, that’d be a fucking atrocity, right?

For more information on the Komen legal situation, check out Pink Ribbons, Inc. or google.

Of the $1,000,000 WWE are donating (from profits made from Cena merch), roughly $150,000 will go towards finding a cure. Susan G. Komen For The Cure spends 15% of their income on actually finding a cure. Why should you give a shit? Well, reason one is that the people buying the merch have clearly been duped.

Reason number two is that in the 2009/2010 financial year, Susan G. Komen for the cure spent $75.4 million (20.9 percent of its total income) on research. By comparison,  Cancer Research UK, a British, uh, cancer research charity, spent £332,000,000 ($535,018,000)(69% of total income) on research during the following financial year.

Reason number three is that you would think finding a cure for cancer would be the ultimate goal and that a non-profit would not sue another over using the words “for the cure”, but the Komen organisation spend quite a lot of money hassling other charities for that very reason. They’ve legally threatened over 100 at the time of writing. It gets worse though: On top of pursuing anyone who uses “for the cure” in relation to, uh, finding a cure, they’ve also threatened others over the use of the colour pink in conjunction with cancer.

The official line from the Komen organisation is that “The foundation protects its trademarks as a matter of financial stewardship and that the group wants to avoid confusion. A mix-up could mean a sizable donation, landing on another charity’s books.” because heaven forbid someone should donate to another charity looking for a cure for cancer, that’d be a fucking atrocity, right?

For more information on the Komen legal situation, check out Pink Ribbons, Inc. or google.

Various “men” are engaged in a pissing contest. One poorly looking writer (KON) walks into the room and the rest split off into groups.

CB

KON!

KON

CB!

F.D. SWAYZE

Yo!

CB

What have you got for today?

KON

Nothing, nothing at all.

F.D. SWAYZE

I said yo!

KON

Yo.

BLAIR

What about those interviews? Those went down really well.

KON

Those things take at least eight days to conduct, then I have to edit, come up with a witty name and whatnot… Its a lot of work for 200 hits.

CB

Cant you just throw something together?

KON

I’ve got nothing to say and i’m really not about to shit out something just because it’s Tuesday

GROUP ON FAR SIDE OF THE ROOM

Never stopped us…

The group from the back of the room frown and then return to whatever meaningless conversation they were having. F.D. SWAYZE looks out the window and notices something, he quickly slips away.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

If you’re complaining about hits, try writing about wrestlers who people actually give a shit about.

KON

What the fuck are you smoking? My most successful column was about the “Divas”. THE DIVAS! Who the fuck are you anyway?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Maybe the reason it went down so well is because you were talking about plot and character motivation, things that are really lacking on the current shows.

KON

Aren’t they watching the wrong fucking shows then? RAW has not been, nor will ever be The Sopranos.

Cut to:

Ideally there’d be a big thing here about how the AJ and D-Bry storyline could have played out like the first few seasons of The Sopranos, but nobody saved the chatlogs from the Fistpump Screening Room.

AJ was Junior Soprano, D-Bry was Tony Soprano, Vince was Hesh, Paulie Wallnuts and Johnny Sack made their WWE debut. This’ll be funny to all of three people, but at least I know who my audience is.

Cut to:

INT. THE TOP SECRET WRITERS ROOM – NIGHT

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

I’ve never seen The Sopranos.

KON

Then what the fuck are you doing talking about storyline and character development? If you want good things from a good show, watch a good show.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

But WWE has fantastic production values…

KON

They have a nice lighting rig and a good editor that only works the day before PPVs…

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Better than TNA…

KON

Why do people bring up TNA when talking about WWE as if one cancels the other out?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

But they do.

KON

Have you ever seen someone say that Keeping Up With The Kardasians is a great show because Living Lohan was shite?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Well, no, but…

KON

Then you’re the cancer of wrestling fandom.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

I think you’ll find it’s called the “IWC”

KON

Come again?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

IWC, Internet Wresting Community.

KON

What’s that?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Its the all-encompassing term for people who write about wrestling on the internet.

KON

So, bloggers then?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

No, IWC writers.

KON

Do they get paid?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Some of them, yes. Scott Keith even has books published about his wrestling journalism…

KON

Alright, i’ll give you “writers”. What about this community thing, do they hang out with each other?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

No.

KON

Do they meet up a few times a year?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

No.

KON

Do they all post on like a message board or something?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

No.

KON

So how exactly is this a community?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Well, back in the day we were all scattered across thousands of geocities and freewebs. We would post our writings on alt.sports.prowresting and every year people made lists of their top 100 IWC writers.

KON

And people still make those lists?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Um…

KON

So it doesn’t exist?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

It exists, i’m a part of it!

KON

In what way?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

My website gets around 60 hits per article.

KON

And you don’t think that being part of a community would yield more hits?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

That’s rich coming from you.

KON

Well played, sir.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

It’s not just about hits, the “IWC” share ideals.

KON

Such as?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

John Cena’s refusal to turn heel is ruining the WWE!

KON

You know John Cena is a character, right?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

The higher-ups are refusing to turn him!

KON

Can you name any other wrestler right now who does the same amount of charity work as him?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Well, no…

KON

If you were running a business, wouldn’t you want the guy who’s doing all this charity work and getting the company ridiculous exposure to be in your top spot?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

How is he getting them exposure?

KON

Every time he pulls up to a hospital in a John Cena t-shirt, he’s advertising the WWE. He’s a billboard for the good deeds the company are doing. When you add that to the whole thing with The Rock, Cena is like the public face of the WWE. Hell, the guy is leading the fight against cancer at the moment.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

C.M. Punk should be the top guy, he’s a breath of fresh air.

KON

He’s a heel now, right?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Yeah, so? They could turn him again.

KON

He’s rocking the handlebar look, right?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

And?

KON

He’s moaning about respect and how he’s been treated every week?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

That’s just what the writers give him…

KON

But wasn’t everyone like “Punk is so creative and thought up *that promo* all on his own”?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Yeah, it was amazing, best worked-shoot ever!

KON

So if he was allowed to cut a worked-shoot promo last year as a heel and gained nothing but praise, you’re telling me that the WWE creative team would throw a spanner in the works and force him to say contrived bullshit every week?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Yes! WWE Creative fucking suck.

KON

They do, but I didn’t see anyone twisting his arm during RAW.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

Fuck you!

KON

Hasn’t he been wrestling the exact same match for the last 18 months, with his own five-moves-of-doom and multiple “finisher” attempts?

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

You mother fucker!

The anonymous “IWC” member pulls out a 9mm and starts waving it around. Everyone in the room gets down on the floor – everyone except the anonymous “IWC” member and KON, who continues talking.

KON

He’s boring, the whole fucking three hour long thing is ridiculous and- You know what? I’m not the kind of guy that calls their readers idiots or morons, i’m not the guy who pretends that his opinion is fact and assassinates the character of anyone who disagrees with them. I fucking hate those guys, putting themselves atop some metaphorical Mount Sinai and issuing out bullshit laws about what is and isn’t cool, who people are aloud to like and what they should be thinking. The reality is that these guys spend a ridiculous amount of their lives watching oiled-up guys in spandex grab each other and try to make up for it by having a go at the very same people who put them in business. If that’s the spirit of the “IWC”, some pathetic hivemind based on inadequacy and self-pity? You can stick it up your fucking arse.

ANONYMOUS “IWC” MEMBER

That’s it!

The anonymous “IWC” member points the gun at KON’s head.

Time to say goodbye!

THE END