Featuring my thoughts on who was the more popular wrestler. To join in on the discussion leave a comment below or visit the DDT thread:http://tinyurl.com/hoganVaustin

I might end up doing these wrestling video things & try to tone back the accent in order for Americans to understand it. – Me, yesterday

“Might” was a bit of an understatement, as I already had the gimmicks.

The pilot: 

Featuring my thoughts on the Beth v Nattie ladder match that they talk about in the latest WWE magazine, an explanation as to why everyone on the roster appears to be a mid-carder at best, the problem with anyone taking Cena’s place any time soon & the live-action debut of one of Craig’s ideas.

So a forum called theDDT launched back in December & if you’ve found my site, you may as will visit it as well.

I’ve been thinking of ways to try & make it a fun place to be a part of & try & get the word out. One of them kinda ties in to Craig’s idea about me doing a wrestling-based show on youtube, where I talk about various shit things that are happening & how to stop them from being shit (just like every other wrestling fan on the internet) via the medium of moving pictures. TheDDT would get a plug at the start/end of each video (assuming James finds the videos worthy of association).

The problem with that is the same one i have whenever i’m asked “why don’t you write for insidepulse”. Assuming they’d have me on to begin with, i’d run out of things to say after about 3 weeks.

The majority of televised pro-wrestling is uninteresting. Smackdown , Raw & Impact are all hard to watch live (not just because they start at two in the fucking morning). Skipping 50% of the shows via the fast forward button makes everything better, but it means you lose a lot of the context & end up relying on video packages before PPV matches that make everything look fantastic. It took me 6 hours to write a recap of a 3 hour long episode of WCW Nitro &, even though the episode was good, I felt tired & unwell afterwards. Recapping Chyna’s Youshoot had the same affect on me, but that was a sacrifice I was willing to make. If I’ve prevented one person from wasting their time watching that, it has already served it’s purpose.

I might end up doing these wrestling video things & try to tone back the accent in order for Americans to understand it.

I might end up asking the guys at Pulse to put some of my stuff up again.

I might get round to making Down Here (the Pacino documentary) in a way that won’t get me humped with DMCA notices.

I might get round to recording a proper Season 3/4 of the podcast in a Radio 4 type style.

I might upload some more music.

Not good enough?

Do I need to make promises?

Here are some things i’m certain of:

I will try as hard as I can to make theDDT a success, so you should really join & help me with that.

I will encourage Craig to keep updating his blog, which you should also check out.

I will encourage Craig to finish the book he’s been writing off & on for the last 10 or so years.

I will keep the podcast going.

I will always make music in one way or another.

Finally, I promise to never write another post like this.

We’re in the middle of redesigning the website (or “blog”, as Craig likes to call it) & muggins here had to come up with a new header. I can pop someone’s head on to a different body without too much problems, but I’m absolutely shite at everything else.

This is them well, not highlights, but a cut down version of about two or three hours worth of buggering about with image manipulation programs.

MS Paint is more my cup of tea.

Craig & I tried to guess who would come out on top at last night’s PPV, then we ended up talking about New Jack.

Neither of us were 100% with our predictions, the actual results were:

Austin Aries defeated Kid Kash, Jesse Sorensen and Zema Ion
Devon defeated “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero
Gunner (with Ric Flair) defeated Rob Van Dam
Gail Kim defeated Mickie James
Abyss defeated Bully Ray
Crimson and Matt Morgan defeated Samoa Joe and Ultra Magnus
Kurt Angle defeated James Storm
Meth Hardy defeated Bobby Roode

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This was some of the original footage (if you’ve seen the other Bit of Kraftwerk video you’ll know I thought I’d lost it all). I have no idea where the footage with the sequencing is, but this was buried on the external hard drive under easy to remember file names like PICT0684, so it might still exist. If not, I can always record some new sequencing stuff (just not at this time in the morning).

The Yamaha DX11 is what i’m using for most of it, with a bit of the Casio LK series thingy at the end.

Also featured in the vid: My Stylophone which is now broken. the metal trace under the first D fell off, so if any of you know how to sort them (it might be as simple as soldering a little bit of wire over where the metal broke off, I don’t know) give me a shout.

I’ve been recording music since late 2003 & sometimes one version isn’t enough. Even for covers, I have like 8 different recordings of each of them on the external hard drive. It’s not like i’m a perfectionist (as anyone who listens to my stuff will clearly know), but I think my ideas need to be revisited in one way or another.

I uploaded the 2006 version of Blue Monday a while ago & I’m sure some of you were like “what the fuck was he thinking when he recorded this?”, so i’ve uploaded all 3 versions of Trying to try & show my thought process.

TRYING 2005: The Electro Groove

This would’ve been the version you heard if Inhuman ever got released. I recorded it live on a non-midi yamaha keyboard.

Uninteresting fact: A typo from 2006 led this to be titled ”The Electro Grove”, kinda like Bohemian Grove, but full of New Wave musicians.

TRYING 2007: The Sad Version

I bought a Casio keyboard that had all the GM sounds (and keys that light up!) at the start of 2007, so I tried to re-tool it into a more orchestral type thing.

TRYING 2011: The Final Version

I actually know what i’m doing now in terms of production, so this is the latest & best sounding version of the song (but it lacks the cheesy goodness of “the electro groove”).

As per usual, you can click the little arrow on the soundcloud player if you want to download any of them

It was painful to watch the DVD, so I feel it’s worth re-posting here in order to warn anyone who could be thinking about buying it.

1.30 – Chyna talks about her role as a phenomenon during the expansion of the business.
I was not aware of any work she did for Crockett Promotions, the NWA or Vince during the 80′s.

2.00 - Chyna talks about being one of the top ranked athletes in the world.
Maybe she should get together with Sheik & compare medals.

2.20 – “Physically, I was an animal”
A beast, for sure.

2.40 – Chyna talks about being the first powerful role-model for uh, wimmins.
Thatcher is spinning in her grave.
Wait, she’s not dead yet? Maybe someone should tell her…

3.40 – Her favourite wrestler when she was growing up = her brother.
I’m sure she’s gonna talk about being abused as a child at some point (X-Pac mentioned it during his Youshoot, saying they both had the same childhood experiences & whatnot), so I’m gonna hold off on this.

5.32 – She made the transition from body-building (read: consuming record amounts of HGH) to wrestling after failing auditions for commercials.
I wonder why.

6.36 – Chyna says she’s always been into “body-sculpting”.
Kinda explains why it looks like her face is made from playdoh.

7.01 - Chyna can’t think of any good things regarding her time with Killer Kowalski.
Don’t do drugs, kids.

7.30 – “I didn’t really start wrestling until I stepped in the ring”
Sage words, sage words indeed.

8.20 – Sean: “What promoters do you remember working with on the New England scene?”

Chyna: “I remember buying a bright blue bathing suit”

It’s gonna be a long night.

TNA

9.04 - Chyna talks about loving Vince Russo.
She does this for quite a while, so I think she’s actually using this shoot to try & get a job.

10.30 – Chyna says TNA didn’t call her after the PPV she showed up on.
I wonder why.

11.15 – On hearing Bischoff’s remark that she brought nothing to TNA: “He told me I looked great & I felt the same”
*insert laughing emoticon here*

12.43 – Chyna puts Vivid Entertainment & all their staff over.
She really is applying for jobs with this.

14:40 - “My phone is always open to the wrestling business, i’ll never say never”
See above.

Thank fuck Youshoot show the videos of the guys asking questions. Those guys are the only reason i’m watching this.
The other Youshoot DVDs are all quite good & Sean Oliver (the host) usually has a lot of fun with the guests, but he looks really uncomfortable during this.

16.00 - Danny Doring asks if she only put Russo over in a previous interview because she was in negotiations with TNA & says he’ll never watch Backdoor To Chyna. Her reply: “No, I love Vince Russo”.

I’m considering giving up on this. I thought recapping a 3 hour Nitro was hard, but this? Fucking torture.

DRUGS

17.40 – Chyna: “Got any?”
Sean: “Not here, you’re with the wrong crew”

18.20 – Chyna says HHH had fitness down to a science & taught her how to eat properly. She says she took creatine powder, sugar supplements after working out & lots of protein drinks.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but I don’t think it was creatine that made her clit larger than X-pac’s dick.

19.28- China says she never took testosterone.
I’ve got bullshit on line two…

19.40 – She never seen any of the uh, wimmins taking steroids & the guys were “doing what they gotta do”.

What’s in The Bag?

Jack Daniels - Chyna: “um, cowboy guys”

Sean:”The Smoking Guns?”

Chyna: “erm, yeah”

Grass – “You know” (X-Pac)
Pills – “Me”
Coke – “I don’t want to say her name, but that’s more of a girlie thing from what I saw”
Syringe (Roids or Heroin) - “That’s getting dark, moving on…”
Crack - Chyna: “I can’t say his name” *fakes vomiting*

Sean: “oh, him again…”

15 inch black rubber cock – “Goldust”

From here on out I’ll only include shit worth mentioning. She’s not exactly candid & doesn’t have a good memory (surprise, surprise).

29.22 - Seems to say that the 2010 sleeping pills overdose was intentional. She had money, financial & mental problems, her family wouldn’t talk to her, she was still having troubles with X-Pac (even though he was down in mexico at the time with Ryan Shamrock, locking himself in a bathroom & shit) & couldn’t take any more.

She says it wasn’t the first time she tried to kill herself & thought the mental hospital she was sent to was the best place for her.
I’m inclined to agree.

REALITY

I haven’t seen any of these reality shows, so I won’t be commenting much on the stuff she’s saying.

34 mins - Chyna thinks WWF/E is more staged than shows like Surreal Life because of the hierarchy in wrestling & the unpredictable nature of reality programming. She doesn’t talk to any of the Surreal Life cast these days & says she likes to keep herself to herself. She puts the producers of Surreal Life over, even though the show was pretty much about exploiting a bunch of unwell people.

40 mins – Celebrity Rehab was a pay-day. She thinks the 12 step program was more for alcohol & drug problems & that they didn’t really touch on her mental health problems.

DIVAS

47 mins – Chyna implies that she was the hottest uh, wimmin in the locker-room.

ALTERATIONS 

53 mins – Chyna paid for her first set of fake tits & suggests that Vince paid for another set, probably because Savio Vega burst one of her implants during a chain match.

Real of Fake?

Tammy - “real?”
Ivory – “fake”
Lita – “fake”
Molly Holly – “fake”
Sable – “fake”
Deborah – “Fake”
Lilian García – “real”
Trish – “fake”
Terri Runnels – “fake”
Miss Kitty – “fake”
Stephanie McMahon – “fake”

DEAR CHYNA…

1 hour - “you have to be able to wrestle to wrestle”
More sage words.

PORN

Tony Atlas is really into feet.

video related:

SEX

Fuck/Marry/Kill Round 1:
Kill X-Pac
Kill Hunter
Marry Jeff fuckin’ Jarrett

Fuck/Marry/Kill round 2:
Casey Anthony
OJ Simpson
Stephanie McMahon

Chyna said she’d fuck them all & get paid a lot of money for it.

Top Cock:
Rather than list the DX members by size, Chyna takes away the prop vegetables to keep her company on the road.

X-PAC

1 hour, 19 mins - Chyna: “One Night in Chyna was something that was done to me”, “I call it “The Rape Tape” & it was a horrible experience”.

Sean Oliver called the Stern show when Chyna was on in order to clarify the rape remark, the audio can be found here.

HHH

Nothing much is said during this segment.

The Dirt

Chyna & Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake were an item long before she got into wrestling.

The Ho Bag:
Lilian García – “no”
The Kat – “no”
Tori – “no”
Nicole Bass – “don’t know”
Snookie - “yes”
Marlena – “yes”
SoCal Val - “who?”
Christy Hemme – “no”
Ryan Shamrock - “don’t know”
Karen Angle – “don’t know”
Mary Carey – “no”
Adrianne Curry - “no”
Amy Fisher - “yes”
Sunny – “no”
Stephanie McMahon – “yes”
Trish Stratus – “no”
B.B. (Barbara Bush) - “I don’t know who that is”
Lita – “no”
Deborah - “no”
Jacquelyn – “no”
Ivory – “no”
Sarah Palin – “no”
Sable – “no”
Molly Holly – “no”

CRITICS

Nothing of any interest here either.

HEAT

What A Dick:

Road Dogg - “cool”
Kevin Dunn – “cool”
Joey Buttafuoco – “cool”
Hulk Hogan – “cool”
Dr. Drew – “cool”
Billy Gunn - “cool”
Chris Jericho - “cool”
Rico Rodriguez – “cool”
HBK - “cool”
The Rock – “cool”
Jeff Jarrett - “cool”
Shane McMahon - “cool”
The Undertaker – “cool”
Howard Stern - “cool”
Kurt Angle – “cool”
Bischoff – “dick”
X-Pac - “dick”
HHH - “dick”
Masahiro Chono – “cool”
Peter Brady – “cool”
Vince McMahon - “dick”
Vince Russo – “cool”
Mark Henry - “cool”
Lawler – “cool”
Cornette – “dick”

PARTING WORDS

Sean gives her a chance to clear up any misconceptions about her that are flying around & she doesn’t bother.

THE END

I’m a big fan of the Youshoot series, but this one was hard to watch.
The questions were good, but Chyna clearly has a lot of problems & most of her answers came off as fake.
She didn’t really open up or talk about anything we haven’t already heard, so I can’t say I’d recommend this one.

Click here to buy directly from Kayfabe Commentaries. I’m not sure why you’d want to after reading this post, but if pain is your thing…

From the soundtrack of a documentary that I still haven’t got round to making.
Guitar Rig + FL = amazing opportunities